The Urban Monkey

The Urban Monkey

He was perched on a monstrosity or at least that was what his father had taught him. This was not a tree, it was hard, it had no bark and it hurt his limbs, he had heard the sound ‘concrete’. He and his family had no choice. Their land was no longer theirs. Those two-legged animals (humans as his mother had told him) had taken over everything, cut their trees, built these monstrous nests of theirs, the heat was unbearable and there was no water in sight as most of the ponds and lakes had long back dried up. And that is how he had decided to bring his extended family to this place called abode of water and air.

Not that it was any different from the rest of the concrete jungle. But it had lesser humans and plenty of trees which were a big advantage as his kids could be safe. They managed to survey the place and found one ramphal (sweetsop), a couple amla (Indian gooseberry), many aam (mango) and other fruit trees. There were plenty of nariyal palms (coconut) but he did not know what to do with them! But these were not enough and he had to frequently take his family out to other places in search of food. Sometimes the humans left their doors open and then he would send his trusted queen to look for food. Then there were small containers in which the humans put away something or the other every day. It was waste stuff but after rummaging through it they could find some scraps. He was satisfied, his family was fed, but where is the water!

He and his family took quite some days to understand and had finally adapted to opening those huge containers on top of the monstrous nests and filch some water to quench their thirst. There was a problem. The humans kept dogs! There were quite a few cats but they never bothered them. The dogs, however, were a nuisance, always barking and trying to jump up trees which they could never climb.

The forests had long gone and the younger generations were quite at home in this concrete jungle. There were very few fruit trees and hardly any fig trees. Figs provided the necessary nutrition and succour and life when he was a little one, but, they were all gone. He found it odd that the humans wasted a lot of water on plants which were of no use to him or his family. The humans for some reason disliked the soil and covered it with some hard substance everywhere they could. There were too many of these infernal humans, some walked and many moved about in horrendously loud smoking contraptions, zipping around dangerously making life miserable for his kids.

All this only increased the heat. The seasons had disappeared; it was hot all year round. What little rain fell was of no use as there were no ponds or lakes where it could collect. One small pond did survive and it was close by, but its water was dirty and it had a rank smell. There were days when they had no choice and had to drink from that pond. Once, one of his kids had fallen ill and died but they could not survive without water, even dirty stinking water.

Life went on.

Auto sales will have negative growth in India

With India’s economy growing at about 7%, why the auto industry is hurting so badly?
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These guys will look at all reasons except the right ones.
1. City roads are chock-a-block with traffic and parking spots non-existent. The country is getting spanking new 6- & 8-lane highways and expressways, but, what about city roads. Most city roads in India cannot be widened any further. Added to this is traffic indiscipline and lackadaisical policing. India as yet does not withold/cancel driving licences, plus, a large number of underaged ride bikes and drive cars with abandon.
2. Introduction of Metro services and feeder bus services is making public transport better. The Government has plans for constructing MRTS in every city having a population of a million or more. Complemented by efficient feeder services and sufficient parking space at all metro stations is ensuring that more people switch to the convenience of public transport.
3. Car share and Ola/Uber have made it cheaper to travel by cabs. Ola autorickshaws are a big hit and Ola recently introduced Ola bikes in Bengaluru akin to the famous Pilots of Goa. All these are part of the public transport system developing in city after city in the country.
4. Newer technologies instead of lowering maintenance costs have increased them, thereby discouraging purchases. As it is a majority of Indians buy a car for life. Therefore, replacement sales are not as high as in many developed economies. Then the initial purchase cost and high interest rates and a natural dislike for loans also deter many from buying vehicles or going for upgrades.
5. Residential & Commercial complexes lack dedicated parking due to greedy developers. The civic administrations and city planners have only just woken up to the problem and are attempting to enforce already existing rules.
6. Swiggy, Zomato and similar home delivery services have reduced the number of people eating out. Getting restaurant food at home is just so easy. This has seriously affected stand-alone restaurants and many have plans to just operate the kitchen or reduce space and operate like a diner.
7. Home delivery of necessities, groceries and maintenance services have reduced the outings to the markets. Ecommerce has drastically reduced the number of shopping trips. Even brick-n-mortar outlets are conveniently located, so all one has to do is go walking to pick up purchases and even these variety of outlets provide home delivery services.
8. Many companies allow working from home. This is advantageous for all. The company need not invest in expensive office space and the employee is saved the hassle of commuting.

These are the major reasons, but auto manufacturers turn a blind eye to these.

I Please Sir!

I Please Sir!

During the days of British rule, Government service required a fundamental understanding of ‘I Please Sir’ and a thorough briefing on the subject was given at the time of joining and also before being posted which meant that every time a transfer was involved, an updated briefing was given. I was given to understand that those who did not live and work by the tenets of ‘I Please Sir’ tended to get stuck in the rut, got no promotions and also get posted to remote and exotic places.

It was interesting to note that ‘remote and exotic’ places were defined in their Black Book as locations that were:

i) Hard to access which meant using a multi-modal system of transportation, e.g. dusty dirty trains, rickety buses, modified motorised rickshaws and/or bullock/horse/donkey carts.

ii) Where obtaining accommodation consisted of a thatched hut and all ablutions were reserved for the outdoors.

iii) Where schools/colleges would be located at least 50 km away and his/her children perforce would use a multi-modal transportation system as described earlier.

iv) Where grocers and essentials were rarely available.

v) Where water would have to be collected from a community well or a stream well away from the habitation.

vi) Where wild animals/reptiles were in plenty and to drive away the blues, one had lots of rodents/insects for company.

Such locations were available in plenty in Kalapani, NEFA, NWFP, Kabul, Burma, etc.

Cut to independent India. Many traditions started by the British were continued and the ‘I Please Sir’ was the most emulated. It was just that the ‘stiff upper lipped’ and abusive bosses were replaced by thick skinned and abusive bosses. This particular tradition was so prevalent in government service that a separate cadre was established to monitor and ensure that this tradition was abided by one and all in government service.

This cadre was called ‘I Please Sir’ cadre to segregate them from the myriad other cadres that were created to establish a complex and convoluted hierarchical administration. This particular cadre became very popular, especially amongst reformed criminals and those who had no clue of policing like doctors, lawyers, engineers, etc.

The government owned everything including the land that one tilled or lived on or was buried in. In order to make every citizen pay obeisance to the government, all production facilities and services were taken over by the government. And since everyone in the government was following the ‘I Please Sir’ diktat, the people (not being in government service) using the government’s products and services were also forced to adopt this tradition with a slight modification, ‘I Pay Sir’!

The ‘I Please Sir’ cadre was expanded over the decades to police the police who policed the citizens. The government did not trust the members of this cadre and it created another cadre to police this cadre. This cadre creation went on to such an extent that the government was stuck in its own complex web. Hardly anything worked and hardly anyone worked. Everybody wanted a disproportionate award. The government had no choice. It introduced the concept of DA for all its cadres and employees.

Anyhow, that my dear readers, was how the ‘I Please Sir’ came to be and that was how they infiltrated every policing organisation of the nation.

Disclaimer: This is a work of fantasy and fiction and bears no resemblance to the honourable profession of IPS.

- Author 

The Nation's Finances are at stake

THE NATION’S FINANCES

(Disclaimer: This is a work of fiction and the characters herein bear no resemblance to persons living or dead)

The world’s biggest democracy is on the verge (a four month verge) of going into the biggest ever (with an ever growing population it will be bigger every five years) exercise of franchise. A billion voters are being indoctrinated by various entities on the pros and cons of their leading lights. The Election Commission is in the process of making fresh lists of voters across the country to weed out fakes and duplicates. After all, the nation would not like some wrong people to vote some wrong people into positions of responsibility. Managing a nation is no joke. Managing a nation requires a thorough knowledge of governance and administration and resources. And the one factor that makes or breaks a nation is the financial resources.

Mr. Finwiz, a leading economist, wished to check in with two persons believed to be the most important in the race for the top post, a Mr. R and a Mr. N. Both were found panting in one of the green zones of the capital having gone through their daily perambulations and had halted for a dose of that ever-refreshing nimbu pani. Mr. Finwiz caught them catching their breath.

Finwiz: Hello, would you both like to take some time out to answer some mundane questions?

R: Monday? I thought today was a Saturday!

N: Go ahead. Ask away.

F: Do you think the IBC and NCLT will resolve the pain of the lenders?

R: What?

N: Of course, they have already helped resolve thousands of crores worth bad loans and dozens of mismanaged companies. And by the end of the financial year, they will help the banking and financial sector get back close to 90% of money owed to them. They are also helping enterprising entrepreneurs to take on the responsibility of reviving many of the defaulting companies. The NCLAT is also assisting in resolving legal issues. However, those companies that cannot be revived will be shut to curtail further losses.

R: Huh…

F: What about the haircuts?

R: I go to the Noir.

N: Well, that is something that the financial institutions will have to bear. At least they are getting something back, so all is not lost.

R: Eh???

F: So you think that the problem of NPAs will be no more…

N: In an ideal situation yes, but, in reality, NPAs will always be there and measures have already been taken to reduce these to less than 1% of outstanding credit.

R: Damn, really?

F: What about bringing black money and money stashed in tax havens back into the country and penalising the perpetrators?

N: Of course, such perpetrators will be paying heavy fines and also, some will end up in jails. All tax havens are being liaised with to obtain every little detail of every transaction that has ever taken place. Individuals, corporates, nobody is being ignored, nothing is being ignored.

R: Never. Great pains have been taken. But it will never come back. Guaranteed!

F: Wow!

N: All records are being sorted out and artificial intelligence is being utilised to construct profiles. By the end of this year, results will be out.

R: Ouch!

F: The GDP is falling, the Rupee is depreciating, the Current Account Deficit is increasing, the Balance of Trade is not in our favour with most countries, government spending is being curtailed and Stock Markets are in a downward spiral, how do you plan to correct all these factors?

N: All these factors are getting the due attention they deserve and the team is working at speed and with alacrity to resolve all issues by the end of this year. Some factors are not under our control, but, those are being sorted out by bargaining with the big 5.

R: Eh? What is all that? Give me time. I will have to check back with my advisers. Big 5, who are they?

F: What about jobs, with an ever increasing population, the number of job seekers are also increasing by the day. How do you plan to provide for more and more employment?

R: Oy, I need to pee. Will you please excuse me!

N: Yes, it is a problem. We are tackling it on two fronts. One, we are making the people understand the pros of a small family, this will help in controlling the rise in population to some extent. Two, we are reviving industry in the private and public sector. As I mentioned, we are getting the units that are non-functional to restart operations. We are getting a lot of companies from other countries to set up manufacturing plants here. We are working on increasing exports as the Rupee is favourable. There will be ups and downs, but, we expect to meet targets.

F: Why has Mr. R not come back?

N: I do not think he is coming back.

F: Oh well, we cannot go further in his absence. Wish you all the best for next year.

N: Thanks. I think you know whom to vote for!

Bollywood @ #MeToo

BOLLYWOOD AND #MeToo!

The Mumbai film industry, called Bollywood (short for Bombay Hollywood), has come to a near standstill. Most male protagonists, be it producers, directors or actors have been forced to quit projects-in-progress as the #MeToo campaign gathers force and a sudden awakening of the conscience is taking place. The women in Bollywood are on the warpath.

Not to be outdone by the female #MeToo gang, many six-pack toting males have joined the campaign led by a Chikna Tiger. Last heard, they were holding a dharma, sorry, dharna outside Karan's house.

Also seen was Abhi who was standing outside John's house with a #MeToo placard. When reporters were surprised, he stated that he was spooned by John during the production of Dost Anna.

As there is a severe shortage of male actors, the sixers of Bollywood have dropped their garish sarees for pant-shirts from Raymonds, have got their long curls cut by a Hakim and are now undergoing voice training with a Farah to drop their 'hai hai', all at the expense of #MeToo protagonists.

Ajay and Akshay, the only two celibates, have complained to NCW that Bollywood is being taken over by some queer sort of people. The Chairperson of NCW conveyed her inability to help as she too was joining the #MeToo campaign.

Amit was seen at a studio somewhere in White Village, down on his bony knees, holding his ears, begging The Line not to join the #MeToo campaign. We do not know if she agreed as Jaya slammed the door shut.

Over the weeks, the campaign spread all across India so much so that many female politicians have petitioned the chappan-Inch-wala to include a #MeToo entry in the Census forms to be used from 2021. Apparently, this was agreed to. So, come 2021, those who have been silent till then, can give all the details explicitly in writing and that would go into the archives of the nation.

Meanwhile Rahul was busy having a closed door meeting with Priyanka to understand this #MeToo campaign. While this was going on behind closed doors, Robert (not the one from Birmingham) was seen walking up and down the length of Queens Way holding a #MeToo placard. The Presswalas were seen laughing all the way to the Press Club.

The campaign continued to gather strength and NGOs were established/founded/created to educate the uneducated/illiterate. The Husbands Association of India warned all its members to keep a close watch on the activities of such NGOs as housemaids, washerwomen, et al were being educated to this contagion. Husbands were advised to sensitise their respective wives. Neighbourhoods erupted in to violence as those who took the commandment ‘Love thy neighbour’ too literally and seriously were now being seriously misunderstood and looked upon with suspicion.

Anarchy is descending. Somebody please start a peace campaign!

This is a work of fiction intended only for humour and any resemblance whatsoever to actual incidents or persona living or dead is pure coincidence.
- Author

The Milkman

THE MILKMAN AND HIS WHIMS

It was the early 60’s. We had shifted house to the back of beyond of Hyderabad, a place that had just been named Mehdipatnam. Those days, other than Mumbai, no city had anything like suburbs, so it was just ‘back of beyond’. Outside our colony (colony = ubiquitous word for a sprinkling of similar looking dwellings) was a small collection of huts/shacks (that could have had the makings of a Dharavi, except that by the 90’s, the builders/developers trained their greedy eyes towards it and it was 'redeveloped') which contained odd-job people like gardeners, maids, tailors, milkmen, salesmen, small traders, etc. Beyond this smattering of huts/shacks, were grape gardens as far as the eye could see and that was till Golconda Fort.

It is the milkman who supplied us milk that I will concentrate upon now. There was no dairy industry in those days and the cooperative movement had just about begun in some far off land called Gujarat. So, the local system consisted of enterprising persons who survived by selling the milk of one or more buffaloes that they owned. The milkman who supplied us milk had two scrawny looking buffaloes that must have seen better days. His daily routine was to bring the buffaloes and park them in front of any one of the houses in the colony and milk them in front of very demanding customers. His paraphernalia included a bucket of water for washing the teats, a roll of hay for feeding the buffaloes (actually to trick them, as more often than not, they were reluctant to let him milk them), a small bag of factory feed (protein) to further distract the buffaloes, a couple of dented milk cans and a 1-litre measure. All this was hung from or tied precariously to a rickety bicycle which he used to walk alongside the buffaloes. This daily walking with the buffaloes gave the milkman a funny looking gait.

The milkman sometimes, used to milk the buffaloes at his home and bring the milk in those dented cans. His excuse, the buffaloes were too tired or had just delivered a calf or something specious. Mom used to harangue him a little more than usual on such occasions and blame him saying he has mixed water in the milk. The milkman took such things in his buffalo-step stride and just smiled at mom. As a matter of fact, all the ladies in the colony were alike in this regard, their eyes were sharp-sighted and their tongues sharp-shooters.

The summer holidays had just begun, the first at our new home and we the kids were allowed to sleep late. Sleeping late meant that we could stay knocked out till 6am. Mom used to be up and about at 5am, come summer or autumn or winter or spring or monsoon. That was because of the whimsical milkman. He did not like his buffaloes to get sunburnt, so he always tried to finish the job of milking and distribution before 6am, after which, I presume, he would head for the nearest pond for his and his buffaloes’ ablutions.

So it was on the first day of our summer holidays. Mom was at it, haranguing the milkman as that day, he had parked his buffaloes in front of our house. Why did you go to their (some faceless/nameless neighbour) house first, it means you are giving us leftover milk! Why are you feeding grass and hay to the buffaloes, the milk quality will be poor! You are making the buffaloes to drink water, why, you know that makes the milk watery! Your buffaloes are dropping dung in front of our house, why, you should tell them to drop the dung elsewhere, maybe their house (once again, a faceless neighbour). See your milk can, it is not washed! See your milk can, you washed it but, left some water in it! I know why you do all this; you are diluting the milk to make more money!

Moms had their own logic. The milkman of course, withstood this barrage with equanimity, never questioned the logic and tried to mumble some answer or the other. I remembered this many years later when I was attending SSB for selection to the Indian Navy. I maintained equanimity at the barrage of questions thrown at me by the Interviewing Officer and even the Group Task Officer. The only difference was that mumbling was out of question, so I had to be pretty lucid and loud in answering the questions.

Getting back to the milkman, at the end of every month, it was pay time. Mom never paid him outright. The payment was preceded by a discourse and a shouting match to match the calculations…! Mom used to keep a record of milk taken every day and the milkman did not as he was illiterate, but, he used to just recall the figures. Some memory that!

By the end of that decade, the cooperative movement and government-owned dairy industry had reached Hyderabad and our milkman too disappeared. We had to collect the milk, now bottled, from a kiosk set up (about half a mile away from our house) by the government. That was the end of an era and the end of the whimsical milkman. We never saw him again. Maybe he had joined the cooperative movement.

Milk in India

MILK IN INDIA, THE WHITE REVOLUTION

A source of life, or, death?

With a growing population, the demand for food is also growing. One of the key ingredients of the daily diet is milk. For increasing milk production, the country needs more milch cows/buffaloes. With an increasing number of cattle, amount of acreage for cattle feed also needs to be increased. Land is also required for dairy farms and the dairy industry. This cannot happen in the short term and hence, it takes time for the growth to happen and match the growing population. Is that all or is there more to it?

However, there is a spike in demand during festivals and during the marriage seasons when milk and milk-based sweets are consumed in huge quantities. Apart from this, the growth in milk production has never matched the growth in population. And we end up with unscrupulous elements providing adulterated milk or chemical milk to fill the gap in supply and demand!

It starts with water, the most common adulterant! Milk already contains plenty of water and the farmer feels a little more would not hurt the lactose tolerant. Water is cheaper than milk and so it can add to profits, it can ensure that shortages do not disrupt festivities and it can suppress any spike that we can throw! This also gives the farmers and middlemen (milk collecting agents working for cooperatives or the dairy industry) some extra income, or should I say, ‘easy money at our expense’! But then, they are not satisfied, they want more and they proceed to the next step.

The next step is to reduce the cost of feed thereby, adding to profits. Due to increasing urbanisation and growing population, land for grazing has reduced substantially and agri-farmers find it is more remunerative to grow food crops rather than grass/hay. Then there is the high cost of transportation. Getting hay to the dairy farm is an expensive affair, but, it is still cheaper than feed. So, reduce protein, give more hay, give more water and feed them grass too. Grass is cheaper than feed and hay – the dairy farmer usually goes to some nearby pasture or meadow and collects it – this is especially the case in urban areas where cattle are not allowed on roads, so it becomes impossible for the farmers to take their cattle for grazing. If you happen to live in a huge bungalow or have sprawling grounds, getting cows to trim the lawns/grass is more economical than hiring gardeners or buying mowers. The only drawback is the dung… it stinks and in time, turns into fertiliser and helps the grass grow faster and taller. Life is not easy.

Take the case of a person wanting to become a dairy farmer. Buy one cow or buffalo, sell the milk in the neighbourhood and earn a living. This is fine in villages as the population is small. But, in cities, the word spreads and more customers land up for farm fresh milk. The cow or buffalo cannot grow extra glands to produce the extra milk required. This is when the adulteration starts. So if adding water is insufficient, the farmer can fall back on veterinary medicines! There does exist an entire industry that helps farmers use stuff that is illegal. So, if you are a keen observer or an early bird at the farm, you could see the farmer surreptitiously injecting something into the cow/buffalo. There is more milk. All new customers are satisfied. The farmer makes more money with minimal investment. So does the agent who collects milk on behalf of cooperatives and the dairy industry.

Reducing protein or using medicines to enhance profits are short term measures and in the long run, the cattle suffer various ailments and stop giving milk altogether. The farmer has to buy calves and wait for them to grow or pay a heavy price to buy adult cattle. The people who purchase such milk from also suffer various ailments because of consumption of adulterated low quality milk. The children are the worst affected.

So far we have seen only the farmers and milk collection agents that were involved in damaging our future. The next lot are the worst offenders in society. They manufacture milk out of chemicals like detergents, urea and oil. The concoctions are their trade secrets and they dump this toxic stuff on the unsuspecting public. They could be injecting into milk pouches that one buys every morning. They could be injecting into milk cartons. They could be converting the stuff into khoya and selling it to the public or the manufacturers of sweets.

It is virtually impossible for the general public to detect this type of milk or adulteration until the time they boil the stuff. It is then that we realise the enormity of the problem we have on our hands.

This has been going on, according to news reports, for the past couple of decades. What is the solution? Those who are supposed to ensure our well-being, those who are supposed to check that these malpractices do not happen, those who make the guidelines, those who make the law … have not been helpful so far. There is then, a high cost solution – follow the lactose intolerant folks and switch to soya milk or, stop using milk altogether because we cannot depend upon anybody. An extreme step, but, do we have a choice?