Traffic Conditions

HOW WE ARE DRIVEN IN INDIA

If in an urban area, you see some vehicle coming with its headlights on full beam, beware and avoid it like the plague…because its driver might possibly have night blindness!

This syndrome of ‘we can do whatever we want’ is pervasive amongst a particular class of people who can best be described as ‘anti-social elements’!

Give a man a meal and his stomach will be full; give him a vehicle and he will be king…of the road!

Many believe in this adage and they get away with it because despite having a good system in place these wrongs go unreported! Why, because most of us are corrupted by at least one of the seven deadly sins! For the person who sees the wrong but does not report - laziness; the person who is doing the wrong - ego/arrogance; the cop for being indifferent - greed (he can make some easy money)!

The licensing system requires that a driver, before being given a license to drive, read and understand the rules pertaining to traffic, recognize and understand road signage, understand the lane system, the roundabout, the traffic lights, the road furniture, the road manners/etiquette and above all understand the vehicle that he/she will be driving. The tests conducted prior to issue of a driving license are simple and straightforward and as is common in our country, question banks are available with every photocopying centre near the concerned RTO office! There is an oral exam, a driving test - figure of eight in case of a two-wheeler and a figure of ‘H’ in addition for a four-wheeler. The vehicle that one takes for the test need not be one’s own; the only requirement is that the vehicle is registered in the state where one takes the test - as this is a state subject under the Constitution of India. The aspirants for a two-wheeler license should be wearing a helmet while taking the test and for four-wheeler, do not forget to belt up! There is no restriction on directly approaching the RTA’s office for going through the procedure which translates into ‘no agent/broker’.

However, the entire system is corrupted and even if you observe every rule for the licensing test and clear the oral with flying colors, you still have to shell out some dole under the table! Without it, you are doomed to fail the test under some stupid technicality which is invisible to you and everyone else and their mothers. So, the presence of agents/brokers and in case you have attended a driving school, the owner/instructor becomes the agent/broker. My wife, who approached directly for a two-wheeler license was failed three times and finally, for the fourth attempt, succumb to the unwritten law and employ an agent - and the dole…Rs. 300/-!!!

This is just the beginning…the anti-social elements that I mentioned at the beginning, now take on the second avatar…king of the road! For them there is no rule that is rigid and every regulation can be bent by the heat of a few crackling currency notes. The result is that the rest of the road-user population is victim to this colonial behavior. Here are some of the oft repeated crimes of these anti-social elements:

a) Speed limits are for the birds and bird-brained.

b) Lanes be damned, the entire road is theirs.

c) Headlights should always be on full beam and if their vehicle has fog lights then so much the better, because, fog or no fog, these should be switched on so that people know that they are the superior beings and God forbid that their SUV/MUVs are fitted out with special lights for night hunting…on the roads…every one of those lights will be switched on to make you understand that none are above them except God!

d) Traffic lights, Red, Green or Amber have no meaning for them, it is always green and if you happen to be in front of them, then expect their multiple air-horns to be honking non-stop or they gun their engines till you cry ‘Momma’ and give way. Many traffic lights have timers and a flashing sign telling you to relax or switch off your engine or playing mood music to calm your harried nerves (an outcome of your boss giving an earful for something you did or did not do at the office earlier) - these of course are for the timid you and me…not for the road kings.

e) Roundabouts are meant to govern traffic without taking recourse to traffic lights are keeping policemen on duty to regulate the traffic. The simple rule at roundabouts is that you give way to traffic coming from your right side! Not so for the road kings, they will weave in and out of the traffic creating chaos and leaving a distasteful jam behind.

f) Forget road signage, they do not understand even the simple turn indicators of your vehicle. This applies equally to the blokes who have a low or no traffic IQ (sense) and who should, rightfully, not have been given a license to drive in the first place…but then the dole would have done the trick for them. Many think the turn indicators are for decorative purposes and they add on a few blue, green or pink flickers in an effort to make you understand that they very much love their vehicle! The more colorful and the more numerous these flickers, the better…not for you!

g) Overtaking is another bane…in our country, we drive on the left side of the road and overtaking is allowed only from the right side of the vehicle being overtaken…believe you me if I say this is an exception rather than a rule…trust our worthy two-wheeler riders not to understand this rule…they will overtake…but from every side except the correct one and in the bargain, you are on tenterhooks and wish for as many rear-view mirrors as the fairies would allow! As for the Kings of the Road, there is no such thing as a time for overtaking…notwithstanding oncoming traffic, notwithstanding a continuous lane separation line (indicating no straying into the other lane and as a corollary, no overtaking) and notwithstanding that you may be overtaking another vehicle! I have seen three vehicles abreast on a two lane road coming on to me like some doomsday being from a third grade 3D movie…!

h) We announce ourselves as loudly as possibly the kookaburra, because we want the world to know who we are…this extends to honking of horns…notice that caution board saying ‘no horn’…maybe a hospital or school in the vicinity…that is also mentioned on additional signage…no matter, just go on blaring your horn, the louder it is the better, because the decibel level on our roads is so high and the guy in front does not seem to have heard the horn…so louder and so longer…it goes on and on till you go temporarily deaf and mad or your eardrums rupture…

j) Pedestrian or Zebra crossings are for zipping over at your best speed with hand pressed on the horn like an express train without brakes…because…who is a pedestrian? A pedestrian is for running over, any person who becomes a pedestrian is mad to some degree and not worth the rubber that the tyres leave on the road…! For the king of the road anything or anyone should be run over if they come in line of his/her transition. Please bear with pedestrians, they are eco-friendly human beings, they are not wasting scarce resources like you are doing and they probably use public transport or just walk to work/market. Our urban jungles do not give even a passing thought to them and so no footpaths, even where footpaths do exist, they are like obstacle courses - hawkers, kiosks, shops with goods running out and over, transformers, electric poles, switchboards, dug-outs, live-wires, beggars, thieves and above all vehicles parked on them! There are hardly any pedestrian crossings and there is mayhem at junctions… and our city fathers take pride in having stupid junctions like ‘saat raasta’, ‘paanch rasta’, et al whereas better planning would have probably allowed just two roads to cross each other for the typical ‘chaar rasta’ or ‘chowrasta’ or ‘chowraha’ and reduced the mayhem!

k) PETA, SPCA and others of their ilk do not ever comment on the roads of our country being killing fields…do you remember even a single day when going to the office in the morning, of not witnessing the full spectacle of the murders of the night before? The Kings of the Road have struck again…and this time the lives of animals do not count, it is of course too cumbersome to slow down and allow for that cat or dog or calf to cross the road in peace…they are in search of food or are being chased by somebody else equally heartless as the kings of the road. The authorities who built those roads did not consider the presence of traditional routes of animals or shepherds/cowherds and hence, did not bother about providing for underpasses! The result is that animals have to cross roads despite the obvious danger to their lives because of the indifference of the human beings driving those monstrous thingamajigs!

l) Drinking and driving do not suit each other and if you think all that I have described above has to do with ‘drinking and driving’ or ‘driving whilst under the influence of alcohol or narcotic substance’ then think again…all of the above is in description of a sober king of the road and when this king is under the influence of drinks or drugs, then God only can help you if you are faced with a situation or confrontation. This drunken sod is a hundred times more dangerous than a sober king of the road! If you suspect someone to be like that, just stop your vehicle and let the sod pass by or cross by…heave a sigh of relief and go your way!

m) Road warriors are those who suffer from road rage and rightfully belong in a correction home or asylum! These species are jumpy, nervy and lose their self-control at the blink of a turn indicator…keep well clear and save yourself the embarrassment of being killed or maimed! Yeah and allow for the idiot to overtake you or else your boot will suffer…there is a tyre company which has come out with a wonderful ad campaign on these road warriors and they have very correctly named them idiots…they even distribute a pamphlet which is very well illustrated and written in a wonderful witty English!

Do yourself and your society and your city and your country and above all your family a favor and DRIVE RESPONSIBLY!!!

Kali