The List

THE LIST – THE BOLLYWOOD STOCK CHARACTERS

The Hero

a) Well educated, looking for a job to take care of his widowed mother as they are extremely poor and generally live in a commune in the heart of a metropolitan city. His pastime is to tease all the girls in the neighbourhood (it is his birth-right) with his smart-turned-dumb pal egging him on. All these girls without exception are his sisters by default and get thrilled with his eve-teasing as they have not heard of women’s liberation or the special police stations (all women) in the neighbourhood or the women’s helpline. He is always dressed in bright coloured clothes (as pastels have not been heard of in India even in 2018) and appears dapper all the time except when he goes for an interview. Even though he looks skinny and undernourished, he has the power of a Mike Tyson, given him by the scriptwriter. However, his kryptonite is his mother or his sister.

b) He is the typical anti-hero. He is not so educated. He is from a rich family. His parents and his sister are very indulgent, so he is never short of money for anything except when the villain comes to collect his dues. He could not care for a job. The dissimilarity stops here, as the rest of the character is the same as that of the hero.

The Heroine

a) Well educated, looking for a job to take care of her parents as they are extremely poor and live in a village (where everybody knows everyone and everybody pokes their nose in everyone’s business) in the hinterland of a metropolitan city. She travels daily whilst searching for a job and once she gets a job, she looks for a place to stay in the metropolitan city. Usually, she meets the hero during this quest and he finds her a place in the commune or palace as the case may be. She has a dumb-shit pal who comes along with her to the big city and is generally seen washing clothes or cooking or cleaning the place where they stay. She has to have an IQ of 90 so that she does not outshine the heroine at any time.

b) Filthy rich, an arrogant father, a doting mother (or vice versa), she has every comfort (including some that the world has not yet invented). She dresses in fairy-tale costumes, even for attending college. She has a bevy of servants and a choice of super cars which can be the envy of Cagan Boojbal. She lives in a palatial building thanks to animated graphics and so located that she can reach every corner of the world in the blink of an eyelid (there, damn the Hyperloop) and needs just a shrub to get her dancing on her twinkling toes. She has an IQ of 101 (the gossip code). She likes holidaying in Switzerland (as she can use the opportunity to deposit some of her IG wealth) or fly via Zurich (screw Frankfurt, which is passé) to the Amalfi Coast or the Costa Brava.

The Villain

a) Sophisticated, macho and debonair, he can put Tom Cruise, Macron & Travolta together to shame. He smokes a pipe with vile smelling tobacco but, he always smells of roses. He drinks only single malt. He likes to have an outlandish name. He also likes to be addressed as His Excellency/Highness. He speaks the Queen’s English till such time he gets a slap from the hero and then he switches to amchi mumbaiyya. He has a platoon of slaves in attendance 24/7 and has never heard of Abraham Lincoln or the Bonded Labour System (Abolition) Act 1976. His penthouse is in Bangkok or Kuala Lumpur or Singapore depending on which country is giving subsidies to the producer. Despite this wealth, his gunmen are the worst trained in the world and could not hit the side of a barn let alone the hero/heroine even if there is a Gunner holding their rifle.

b) A dirty scoundrel dressed in rag-a-tag clothes, smoking a foul smelling ‘chutta’ (Tribal hand rolled cigar from Andhra Pradesh), hardly ever bathes, eats like a pig, talks dirty, in summary, he is the ‘ugly’ from ‘The Good, The Bad and The Ugly’, a sort of dark skinned Eli Wallach/Tuco.

Dumb-shit Pals

They have an IQ of 160 in their childhood which miraculously reduces to 80 (the egg-heads are still researching this) by the time the movie is into the 10^th minute and they have attained adulthood whilst running (from what to where, please do not ask). They are giggly, wear loud unisex clothes (saves money to the producer). They need to pander to the every need of the hero/heroine and have to shed copious amounts of tears at the drop of a skirt or a hat or a pant or whatever (glycerine is used as a starter). 30 minutes into the movie, they do the disappearing trick and somehow land up for the group photo at the end.

Joker

Unlike the dumb-shit pals, this guy is present nearly all through the movie. He is crudely dressed (like a village yokel) and talks nonsense and thinks he has a sense of humour. He cannot hold his drinks. He has his tongue out like a dog whenever he sees a belle, bella or dolce or brutta or donna, he leers and jeers and whines. He is the side-kick of the villain, but, cannot use a weapon nor can fight.  That means he really does not have anything to do with The Joker of Batman fame.

Chacha/Kaka (Paternal Uncle)

He was a wild one during his younger days but, in his old age now, he turns good (for Karma) and advises all and sundry, especially, the hero/heroine, even when not asked/needed. Other characteristics including clothing, speech and outlook could be dependent on whether he is related to (a) or (b) variety of hero, heroine or villain. He could also have fallen on bad times and be a gardener or servant or cook in the rich variety of hero/heroine/villain.

Mama (Maternal Uncle)

He is usually based on Shakuni mama, a character from the Mahabharata. Characteristics like clothing, speech, etc., are similar. He could also be the Trojan horse or a Fifth Columnist, (not that he has any knowledge of journalism). He aids the Villain in his eagerness/greed for a share of the booty (sometimes includes the Heroine). He thinks he is the central character of the story, but gets disappointed and cries when he learns that he is just an extra.

The Non-Entities

Mali (Gardener), Bawarchi (Cook), Nurse, Nanny, Darwaan (door keeper or gate keeper), Chowkidar (security), etc., are the non-entities. However, if the supporting characters are doubling up as one of these, then they are an entity (for example, the Kaka could be a Mali or the dumb-shit pal could be a Nanny or Bawarchi, or the Mama could be the Chowkidar). Their main role is to gossip, or support the hero/heroine, shed copious tears (thanks to glycerine of which the Producer keeps a ready supply) or denigrate the hero/heroine if they are the henchmen of the villain.

Guest Stars

The title itself indicates their status. They are paid inordinately large sums to appear for a few seconds with a toothy smile and endorse either a product or a character.

Apart from the above and depending on the depth of the pockets of the financiers/producers, more characters could be added to fill the widescreens of today.

--**--