JOKES
*A
MAN IS DRIVING DOWN A DESERTED STRETCH OF HIGHWAY WHEN HE NOTICES A SIGN
OUT OF THE CORNER OF HIS EYE....IT READS:
SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION 10 MILES
HE THINKS THIS IS A FIGMENT OF HIS IMAGINATION AND DRIVES ON WITHOUT SECOND THOUGHT. SOON HE SEES ANOTHER SIGN WHICH READS:
SISTERS OFST. FRANCIS HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION 5
MILES
OUT OF THE CORNER OF HIS EYE....IT READS:
SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION 10 MILES
HE THINKS THIS IS A FIGMENT OF HIS IMAGINATION AND DRIVES ON WITHOUT SECOND THOUGHT. SOON HE SEES ANOTHER SIGN WHICH READS:
SISTERS OF
THEN
A THIRD SIGN SAYING:
SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION NEXT RIGHT
HIS CURIOSITY GETS THE BEST OF HIM AND HE PULLS INTO THE DRIVE. ON THE FAR SIDE OF THE PARKING LOT IS ASTONE
BUILDING READING
SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS.
HE CLIMBS THE STEPS AND RINGS THEBELL
'WHAT MAY WE DO FOR YOU, MY SON?'
HE ANSWERS, 'I SAW YOUR SIGNS ALONG THE HIGHWAY AND WAS INTERESTED IN POSSIBLY DOING BUSINESS'
'VERY WELL MY SON. PLEASE FOLLOW ME.'
HE IS LED THROUGH MANY WINDING PASSAGES AND IS SOON QUITE DISORIENTED.
THE NUN STOPS AT A CLOSED DOOR AND TELLS THE MAN, 'PLEASE KNOCK ON THIS DOOR.'
HE DOES SO AND ANOTHER NUN IN A LONG HABIT, HOLDING A TIN CUP ANSWERS THE DOOR...
THIS NUN INSTRUCTS, 'PLEASE PLACE $100 IN THE CUP THEN GO THROUGH THE LARGE WOODEN DOOR AT THE END OF THE HALLWAY.'
HE PUTS $100 IN THE CUP, EAGERLY TROTS DOWN THE HALL AND SLIPS THROUGH THE DOOR PULLING IT SHUT BEHIND HIM.
THE DOOR LOCKS, AND HE FINDS HIMSELF BACK IN THE PARKING LOT FACING ANOTHER SIGN:
GO IN PEACE.
YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED BY THE SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS.
SERVES YOU RIGHT,
YOU SINNER
SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION NEXT RIGHT
HIS CURIOSITY GETS THE BEST OF HIM AND HE PULLS INTO THE DRIVE. ON THE FAR SIDE OF THE PARKING LOT IS A
SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS.
HE CLIMBS THE STEPS AND RINGS THE
'WHAT MAY WE DO FOR YOU, MY SON?'
HE ANSWERS, 'I SAW YOUR SIGNS ALONG THE HIGHWAY AND WAS INTERESTED IN POSSIBLY DOING BUSINESS'
'VERY WELL MY SON. PLEASE FOLLOW ME.'
HE IS LED THROUGH MANY WINDING PASSAGES AND IS SOON QUITE DISORIENTED.
THE NUN STOPS AT A CLOSED DOOR AND TELLS THE MAN, 'PLEASE KNOCK ON THIS DOOR.'
HE DOES SO AND ANOTHER NUN IN A LONG HABIT, HOLDING A TIN CUP ANSWERS THE DOOR...
THIS NUN INSTRUCTS, 'PLEASE PLACE $100 IN THE CUP THEN GO THROUGH THE LARGE WOODEN DOOR AT THE END OF THE HALLWAY.'
HE PUTS $100 IN THE CUP, EAGERLY TROTS DOWN THE HALL AND SLIPS THROUGH THE DOOR PULLING IT SHUT BEHIND HIM.
THE DOOR LOCKS, AND HE FINDS HIMSELF BACK IN THE PARKING LOT FACING ANOTHER SIGN:
GO IN PEACE.
YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED BY THE SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS.
SERVES YOU RIGHT,
YOU SINNER
_________________________________________________________________________________
*A
SECULAR REVIEW OF MAHABHARATA!
GOVERNMENT
OF INDIA
MINISTRY
OF HUMAN RESOURCES DEVELOPMENT
DEPARTMENT
OF CULTURE
FILMS
DIVISION
NO.
B1452/234/2003 DATED. 23.6.07
TO:
SHRI. B. R. CHOPRA,
FILM DIRECTOR,
MUMBAI
REF: FILM STORY SUBMITTED BY YOU, REGARDING FINANCING OF FILMS BY GOVERNMENT OFINDIA
THE UNDERSIGNED IS DIRECTED TO REFER THE ABOVE LETTER AND STATE THAT THE GOVERNMENT HAS EXAMINED YOUR PROPOSAL FOR FINANCING A FILM CALLED ''MAHABHARATA'. THE VERY HIGH LEVEL COMMITTEE CONSTITUTED FOR THIS PURPOSE HAS BEEN IN CONSULTATION WITH THE HUMAN RIGHTS COMMISSION, NATIONAL COMMISSION FOR WOMEN AND LABOR COMMISSION, IN ADDITION TO VARIOUS MINISTRIES AND STATE GOVERNMENTS AND HAVE FORMED DEFINITIVE OPINIONS ABOUT THE SCRIPT. THEIR OBSERVATIONS ARE AS BELOW:
1. IN THE SCRIPT SUBMITTED BY YOU IT IS SHOWN THAT THERE WERE TWO SETS OF COUSINS, NAMELY, THE KAURAVAS, NUMBERING ONE HUNDRED, AND THE PANDAVAS, NUMBERING FIVE. THE MINISTRY OF HEALTH AND FAMILY WELFARE HAS POINTED OUT THAT THESE NUMBERS ARE HIGH, WELL ABOVE THE NORM PRESCRIBED FOR FAMILIES BY THEM. IT IS BROUGHT TO YOUR KIND ATTENTION THAT WHEN THE GOVERNMENT IS SPENDING HUGE
AMOUNTS FOR PROMOTING FAMILY PLANNING, THIS WILL SEND WRONG SIGNALS TO THE PUBLIC. THEREFORE, IT IS RECOMMENDED THAT THERE MAY BE ONLY THREE KAURAVAS AND ONE PANDAVA.
2. THE MINISTRY OF PARLIAMENTARY AFFAIRS HAS RAISED AN ISSUE WHETHER IT IS SUITABLE TO DEPICT KINGS AND EMPERORS IN THIS DEMOCRATIC AGE. THEREFORE, IT IS SUGGESTED THAT THE KAURAVAS MAY BE DEPICTED AS HONORABLE MEMBERS OF PARLIAMENT (LOK SABHA) AND THE PANDAVA MAY BE DEPICTED AS HONORABLE MEMBER OF PARLIAMENT (RAJYA SABHA). THE ENDING OF THE FILM SHOWS THE VICTORY OF THE SAID PANDAVAS OVER THE SAID KAURAVAS. THE ENDING MAY BE SUITABLY MODIFIED SO THAT NEITHER OF THE HONORABLE MEMBERS OF PARLIAMENT ARE SHOWN AS BEING INFERIOR TO THE OTHER.
3. THE MINISTRY OF SCIENCE AND TECHNOLOGY HAS OBSERVED THAT THE MANNER OF BIRTH OF KAURAVAS IS SUGGESTIVE OF HUMAN CLONING, A TECHNOLOGY BANNED ININDIA NORMAL BIRTH.
4. THE NATIONAL COMMISSION FOR WOMEN HAS OBJECTED THAT THE FATHER OF PANDAVAS, ONE SRI PANDU, IS DEPICTED AS BIGAMOUS, AND ALSO THERE IS ONLY ONE WIFE FOR THE PANDAVAS IN COMMON. THEREFORE SUITABLE CHANGES MAY BE MADE IN THE SAID SCRIPT SO THAT THE SAID SRI PANDU IS NOT DEPICTED AS BIGAMOUS. HOWEVER, WITH THE REDUCTION IN NUMBER OF PANDAVAS AS SUGGESTED ABOVE, THE ISSUE OF POLYANDRY CAN BE ADDRESSED WITHOUT FURTHER TROUBLE.
5. THE COMMISSION FOR THE PHYSICALLY CHALLENGED HAS OBSERVED THAT THE PORTRAYAL OF THE VISUALLY IMPAIRED CHARACTER 'DHRITHARASTRA' IS DEROGATORY. THEREFORE THE SAID CHARACTER MAY NOT BE SHOWN AS VISUALLY IMPAIRED.
6. THE DEPARTMENT OF WOMEN AND CHILD DEVELOPMENT HAVE HIGHLIGHTED THAT THE PUBLIC DISROBING OF ONE FEMALE CHARACTER CALLED 'DRAUPADI' IS OBJECTIONABLE AND DEROGATORY TO WOMEN IN GENERAL. FURTHER THE HOME MINISTRY ANTICIPATES THAT DEPICTION OF SUCH SCENES MAY CREATE LAW AND ORDER PROBLEM AND AT THE SAME TIME INVITE STRONG PROTESTS FROM THE DIFFERENT WOMEN FORUMS. SUCH SCENES MAY ALSO INVITE PENAL ACTION UNDER SITA (SUPPRESSION OF IMMORAL TRAFFIC ACT), THEREFORE THEY MAY BE AVOIDED AND DELETED FROM THE FILM.
7. IT IS FELT THAT SHOWING THE PANDAVA AND THE KAURAVAS AS GAMBLERS WILL BE ANTI-SOCIAL AND COUNTER PRODUCTIVE AS IT MIGHT ENCOURAGE GAMBLING. THEREFORE, THE SAID PANDAVAS AND KAURAVAS MAY BE SHOWN TO HAVE ENGAGED IN HORSE RACING. (HON. SUPREME COURT HAS HELD HORSE RACING NOT TO BE GAMBLING)
8. THE PANDAVAS ARE SHOWN AS WORKING IN THE KING VIRAT'S EMPLOYMENT WITHOUT RECEIVING ANY SALARY. ACCORDING TO THE HUMAN RIGHTS COMMISSION, THIS AMOUNTS TO BONDED LABOR AND MAY ATTRACT PROVISIONS OF THE BONDED LABOR SYSTEM (ABOLITION) ACT, 1976. THIS MAY BE CORRECTED AT ONCE.
9. IN THE ENSUING WAR, ONE CHARACTER BY NAME SRI ABHIMANYU HAS BEEN SHOWN AS FIGHTING. THE NATIONAL LABOR COMMISSION HAS OBSERVED THAT, WAR BEING A HAZARDOUS INDUSTRY, AND THE SAID CHARACTER BEING 16 YEARS OLD, THIS DEPICTION WILL BE CONSTRUED AS A CASE OF CHILD LABOR. ALSO THERE IS NO RECORD OF HIS BEING PAID ANY COMPENSATION. THIS MAY ALSO BE DEEMED TO BE VIOLATORY OF THE PROVISIONS OF THE CHILD LABOUR (PROHIBITION AND REGULATION) ACT, 1986 AND MINIMUM WAGES ACT, 1948. SUCH REFERENCES IN THE FILM MAY BE REMOVED.
10. THE CHARACTER 'SRIKRISHNA ' HAS BEEN
DEPICTED AS WEARING A PEACOCK FEATHER. THE PEACOCK IS OUR NATIONAL BIRD AND
WEARING DRESSES MADE FROM PEACOCK FEATHER IS AN OFFENCE UNDER THE WILD LIFE
PROTECTION ACT, 1972. THIS MAY NOT BE DEPICTED
11. SMT MANEKA GANDHI HAS RAISED VERY SERIOUS OBJECTION FOR USING ANY ELEPHANTS OR HORSES IN WAR SCENES, SINCE THERE IS EVERY SCOPE FOR MISTREATMENT AND INJURY TO THE SAID ANIMALS. THE PROVISIONS OF THE PREVENTION OF CRUELTY TO ANIMALS ACT, 1890 AND PREVENTION OF CRUELTY TO ANIMALS (AMENDMENT) ACT, 1960 WOULD BE APPLICABLE IN THE INSTANT CASE. SUITABLE CHANGES MAY BE MADE IN THE SCRIPT TO ADDRESS THE OBJECTIONS RAISED.
12. IN PURSUANCE OF THE MEMORANDUM OF MINISTRY OF FINANCE REGARDING AUSTERITY MEASURES, IT IS INFORMED THAT IN THE BATTLE FIELD SEQUENCES, ONLY TEN SOLDIERS MAY BE ALLOWED FOR EACH SIDE. ALSO, ALL THE CHARACTERS MAY BE SHOWN TO HAVE OBTAINED A VALID LICENCE UNDER THE ARMS ACT, 1959 AS WELL AS THE INDIAN ARMS ACT, 1878. YOU ARE THEREFORE REQUESTED TO MODIFY THE SCRIPT ALONG THE LINES INDICATED ABOVE AND RESUBMIT IT TO THE UNDERSIGNED AT THE EARLIEST.
SIGNED/- UNDER SECRETARY
TO:
SHRI. B. R. CHOPRA,
FILM DIRECTOR,
MUMBAI
REF: FILM STORY SUBMITTED BY YOU, REGARDING FINANCING OF FILMS BY GOVERNMENT OF
THE UNDERSIGNED IS DIRECTED TO REFER THE ABOVE LETTER AND STATE THAT THE GOVERNMENT HAS EXAMINED YOUR PROPOSAL FOR FINANCING A FILM CALLED ''MAHABHARATA'. THE VERY HIGH LEVEL COMMITTEE CONSTITUTED FOR THIS PURPOSE HAS BEEN IN CONSULTATION WITH THE HUMAN RIGHTS COMMISSION, NATIONAL COMMISSION FOR WOMEN AND LABOR COMMISSION, IN ADDITION TO VARIOUS MINISTRIES AND STATE GOVERNMENTS AND HAVE FORMED DEFINITIVE OPINIONS ABOUT THE SCRIPT. THEIR OBSERVATIONS ARE AS BELOW:
1. IN THE SCRIPT SUBMITTED BY YOU IT IS SHOWN THAT THERE WERE TWO SETS OF COUSINS, NAMELY, THE KAURAVAS, NUMBERING ONE HUNDRED, AND THE PANDAVAS, NUMBERING FIVE. THE MINISTRY OF HEALTH AND FAMILY WELFARE HAS POINTED OUT THAT THESE NUMBERS ARE HIGH, WELL ABOVE THE NORM PRESCRIBED FOR FAMILIES BY THEM. IT IS BROUGHT TO YOUR KIND ATTENTION THAT WHEN THE GOVERNMENT IS SPENDING HUGE
AMOUNTS FOR PROMOTING FAMILY PLANNING, THIS WILL SEND WRONG SIGNALS TO THE PUBLIC. THEREFORE, IT IS RECOMMENDED THAT THERE MAY BE ONLY THREE KAURAVAS AND ONE PANDAVA.
2. THE MINISTRY OF PARLIAMENTARY AFFAIRS HAS RAISED AN ISSUE WHETHER IT IS SUITABLE TO DEPICT KINGS AND EMPERORS IN THIS DEMOCRATIC AGE. THEREFORE, IT IS SUGGESTED THAT THE KAURAVAS MAY BE DEPICTED AS HONORABLE MEMBERS OF PARLIAMENT (LOK SABHA) AND THE PANDAVA MAY BE DEPICTED AS HONORABLE MEMBER OF PARLIAMENT (RAJYA SABHA). THE ENDING OF THE FILM SHOWS THE VICTORY OF THE SAID PANDAVAS OVER THE SAID KAURAVAS. THE ENDING MAY BE SUITABLY MODIFIED SO THAT NEITHER OF THE HONORABLE MEMBERS OF PARLIAMENT ARE SHOWN AS BEING INFERIOR TO THE OTHER.
3. THE MINISTRY OF SCIENCE AND TECHNOLOGY HAS OBSERVED THAT THE MANNER OF BIRTH OF KAURAVAS IS SUGGESTIVE OF HUMAN CLONING, A TECHNOLOGY BANNED IN
4. THE NATIONAL COMMISSION FOR WOMEN HAS OBJECTED THAT THE FATHER OF PANDAVAS, ONE SRI PANDU, IS DEPICTED AS BIGAMOUS, AND ALSO THERE IS ONLY ONE WIFE FOR THE PANDAVAS IN COMMON. THEREFORE SUITABLE CHANGES MAY BE MADE IN THE SAID SCRIPT SO THAT THE SAID SRI PANDU IS NOT DEPICTED AS BIGAMOUS. HOWEVER, WITH THE REDUCTION IN NUMBER OF PANDAVAS AS SUGGESTED ABOVE, THE ISSUE OF POLYANDRY CAN BE ADDRESSED WITHOUT FURTHER TROUBLE.
5. THE COMMISSION FOR THE PHYSICALLY CHALLENGED HAS OBSERVED THAT THE PORTRAYAL OF THE VISUALLY IMPAIRED CHARACTER 'DHRITHARASTRA' IS DEROGATORY. THEREFORE THE SAID CHARACTER MAY NOT BE SHOWN AS VISUALLY IMPAIRED.
6. THE DEPARTMENT OF WOMEN AND CHILD DEVELOPMENT HAVE HIGHLIGHTED THAT THE PUBLIC DISROBING OF ONE FEMALE CHARACTER CALLED 'DRAUPADI' IS OBJECTIONABLE AND DEROGATORY TO WOMEN IN GENERAL. FURTHER THE HOME MINISTRY ANTICIPATES THAT DEPICTION OF SUCH SCENES MAY CREATE LAW AND ORDER PROBLEM AND AT THE SAME TIME INVITE STRONG PROTESTS FROM THE DIFFERENT WOMEN FORUMS. SUCH SCENES MAY ALSO INVITE PENAL ACTION UNDER SITA (SUPPRESSION OF IMMORAL TRAFFIC ACT), THEREFORE THEY MAY BE AVOIDED AND DELETED FROM THE FILM.
7. IT IS FELT THAT SHOWING THE PANDAVA AND THE KAURAVAS AS GAMBLERS WILL BE ANTI-SOCIAL AND COUNTER PRODUCTIVE AS IT MIGHT ENCOURAGE GAMBLING. THEREFORE, THE SAID PANDAVAS AND KAURAVAS MAY BE SHOWN TO HAVE ENGAGED IN HORSE RACING. (HON. SUPREME COURT HAS HELD HORSE RACING NOT TO BE GAMBLING)
8. THE PANDAVAS ARE SHOWN AS WORKING IN THE KING VIRAT'S EMPLOYMENT WITHOUT RECEIVING ANY SALARY. ACCORDING TO THE HUMAN RIGHTS COMMISSION, THIS AMOUNTS TO BONDED LABOR AND MAY ATTRACT PROVISIONS OF THE BONDED LABOR SYSTEM (ABOLITION) ACT, 1976. THIS MAY BE CORRECTED AT ONCE.
9. IN THE ENSUING WAR, ONE CHARACTER BY NAME SRI ABHIMANYU HAS BEEN SHOWN AS FIGHTING. THE NATIONAL LABOR COMMISSION HAS OBSERVED THAT, WAR BEING A HAZARDOUS INDUSTRY, AND THE SAID CHARACTER BEING 16 YEARS OLD, THIS DEPICTION WILL BE CONSTRUED AS A CASE OF CHILD LABOR. ALSO THERE IS NO RECORD OF HIS BEING PAID ANY COMPENSATION. THIS MAY ALSO BE DEEMED TO BE VIOLATORY OF THE PROVISIONS OF THE CHILD LABOUR (PROHIBITION AND REGULATION) ACT, 1986 AND MINIMUM WAGES ACT, 1948. SUCH REFERENCES IN THE FILM MAY BE REMOVED.
10. THE CHARACTER 'SRI
11. SMT MANEKA GANDHI HAS RAISED VERY SERIOUS OBJECTION FOR USING ANY ELEPHANTS OR HORSES IN WAR SCENES, SINCE THERE IS EVERY SCOPE FOR MISTREATMENT AND INJURY TO THE SAID ANIMALS. THE PROVISIONS OF THE PREVENTION OF CRUELTY TO ANIMALS ACT, 1890 AND PREVENTION OF CRUELTY TO ANIMALS (AMENDMENT) ACT, 1960 WOULD BE APPLICABLE IN THE INSTANT CASE. SUITABLE CHANGES MAY BE MADE IN THE SCRIPT TO ADDRESS THE OBJECTIONS RAISED.
12. IN PURSUANCE OF THE MEMORANDUM OF MINISTRY OF FINANCE REGARDING AUSTERITY MEASURES, IT IS INFORMED THAT IN THE BATTLE FIELD SEQUENCES, ONLY TEN SOLDIERS MAY BE ALLOWED FOR EACH SIDE. ALSO, ALL THE CHARACTERS MAY BE SHOWN TO HAVE OBTAINED A VALID LICENCE UNDER THE ARMS ACT, 1959 AS WELL AS THE INDIAN ARMS ACT, 1878. YOU ARE THEREFORE REQUESTED TO MODIFY THE SCRIPT ALONG THE LINES INDICATED ABOVE AND RESUBMIT IT TO THE UNDERSIGNED AT THE EARLIEST.
SIGNED/- UNDER SECRETARY
_________________________________________________________________________________
*TWO
IRISHMEN WALK INTO A PET SHOP IN DINGLE, THEY WALK OVER TO THE BIRD SECTION AND
GERRY SAYS TO PADDY, 'DAT'S DEM.'
THE OWNER COMES OVER AND ASKS IF HE CAN HELP THEM.
'YEAH, WE'LL TAKE FOUR OF DEM DERE LITTLE BUDGIES IN DAT CAGE UP DERE,' SAYS GERRY.
THE OWNER PUTS THE BUDGIES IN A CARDBOARD BOX.
PADDY AND GERRY PAY FOR THE BIRDS LEAVE THE SHOP AND GET INTO GERRY'S TRUCK TO DRIVE TO THE TOP OF THECONNOR
PASS.
AT THECONNOR PASS LOOKS LIKE A
GRAND PLACE
HE TAKES TWO BIRDS OUT OF THE BOX, PUTS ONE ON EACH SHOULDER AND JUMPS OFF THE CLIFF.
PADDY WATCHES AS THE BUDGIES FLY OFF ANDGERRY FALLS
LOOKING DOWN AT THE REMAINS OF HIS BEST PAL, PADDY SHAKES HIS HEAD AND SAYS, 'FOOK DAT. DIS BUDGIE JUMPING IS TOO FOOK'N DANGEROUS FOR ME!'
THERE'S MORE...
MOMENT'S LATER; SEAMUS ARRIVES UP ATCONNOR
PASS.
HE'S BEEN TO THE PET SHOP TOO AND WALKS UP TO THE EDGE OF THE CLIFF CARRYING ANOTHER CARDBOARD BOX IN ONE HAND AND A SHOTGUN IN THE OTHER.
'HI, PADDY, WATCH DIS,' SEAMUS SAYS.
HE TAKES A PARROT FROM THE BOX AND LETS HIM FLY FREE.
HE THEN THROWS HIMSELF OVER THE EDGE OF THE CLIFF WITH THE GUN.
PADDY WATCHES AS HALF WAY DOWN, SEAMUS TAKES THE GUN AND SHOOTS THE PARROT.
SEAMUS CONTINUES TO PLUMMET DOWN AND DOWN UNTIL HE HITS THE BOTTOM AND BREAKS EVERY BONE IN HIS BODY.
PADDY SHAKES HIS HEAD AND SAYS, 'AND I'M NEVER TRYING DAT PARROTSHOOTING EITHER!'
IT IS NOT OVER YET...
PADDY IS JUST GETTING OVER THE SHOCK OF LOSING TWO FRIENDS WHEN SEAN APPEARS.
HE'S ALSO BEEN TO THE PET SHOP AND IS CARRYING A CARDBOARD BOX OUT OF WHICH HE PULLS A CHICKEN.
SEAN THEN TAKES THE CHICKEN BY ITS LEGS AND HURLS HIMSELF OFF THE CLIFF AND DISAPPEARS DOWN AND DOWN UNTIL HE HITS A ROCK AND BREAKS HIS SPINE.
ONCE MORE PADDY SHAKES HIS HEAD. 'FOOK DAT, LADS. FIRST DERE WAS GERRY WITH HIS BUDGIE JUMPING, DEN SEAMUS PARROTSHOOTING AND NOW SEAN AND HIS FOOK'N HENGLIDING!'
THE OWNER COMES OVER AND ASKS IF HE CAN HELP THEM.
'YEAH, WE'LL TAKE FOUR OF DEM DERE LITTLE BUDGIES IN DAT CAGE UP DERE,' SAYS GERRY.
THE OWNER PUTS THE BUDGIES IN A CARDBOARD BOX.
PADDY AND GERRY PAY FOR THE BIRDS LEAVE THE SHOP AND GET INTO GERRY'S TRUCK TO DRIVE TO THE TOP OF THE
AT THE
HE TAKES TWO BIRDS OUT OF THE BOX, PUTS ONE ON EACH SHOULDER AND JUMPS OFF THE CLIFF.
PADDY WATCHES AS THE BUDGIES FLY OFF AND
LOOKING DOWN AT THE REMAINS OF HIS BEST PAL, PADDY SHAKES HIS HEAD AND SAYS, 'FOOK DAT. DIS BUDGIE JUMPING IS TOO FOOK'N DANGEROUS FOR ME!'
THERE'S MORE...
MOMENT'S LATER; SEAMUS ARRIVES UP AT
HE'S BEEN TO THE PET SHOP TOO AND WALKS UP TO THE EDGE OF THE CLIFF CARRYING ANOTHER CARDBOARD BOX IN ONE HAND AND A SHOTGUN IN THE OTHER.
'HI, PADDY, WATCH DIS,' SEAMUS SAYS.
HE TAKES A PARROT FROM THE BOX AND LETS HIM FLY FREE.
HE THEN THROWS HIMSELF OVER THE EDGE OF THE CLIFF WITH THE GUN.
PADDY WATCHES AS HALF WAY DOWN, SEAMUS TAKES THE GUN AND SHOOTS THE PARROT.
SEAMUS CONTINUES TO PLUMMET DOWN AND DOWN UNTIL HE HITS THE BOTTOM AND BREAKS EVERY BONE IN HIS BODY.
PADDY SHAKES HIS HEAD AND SAYS, 'AND I'M NEVER TRYING DAT PARROTSHOOTING EITHER!'
IT IS NOT OVER YET...
PADDY IS JUST GETTING OVER THE SHOCK OF LOSING TWO FRIENDS WHEN SEAN APPEARS.
HE'S ALSO BEEN TO THE PET SHOP AND IS CARRYING A CARDBOARD BOX OUT OF WHICH HE PULLS A CHICKEN.
SEAN THEN TAKES THE CHICKEN BY ITS LEGS AND HURLS HIMSELF OFF THE CLIFF AND DISAPPEARS DOWN AND DOWN UNTIL HE HITS A ROCK AND BREAKS HIS SPINE.
ONCE MORE PADDY SHAKES HIS HEAD. 'FOOK DAT, LADS. FIRST DERE WAS GERRY WITH HIS BUDGIE JUMPING, DEN SEAMUS PARROTSHOOTING AND NOW SEAN AND HIS FOOK'N HENGLIDING!'
_________________________________________________________________________________
*AN
IRISH PRIEST IS TRANSFERRED TO TEXAS TEXAS
HE PROMPTLY CALLED THE LOCAL POLICE STATION.
HE PROMPTLY CALLED THE LOCAL POLICE STATION.
THE
CONVERSATION WENT LIKE THIS:
"GOOD
MORNING. THIS IS SERGEANT JONES. HOW MIGHT I HELP YOU?"
"AND
THE BEST OF THE DAY TE YERSELF. THIS IS FATHER O'MALLEY AT ST. BRIGID'S.
THERE'S
A JACKASS LYING DEAD IN ME FRONT LAWN, WOULD YE BE SO KIND AS
SERGEANT
JONES, CONSIDERING HIMSELF TO BE QUITE A WIT, REPLIED WITH A SMIRK, "WELL
NOW FATHER, IT WAS ALWAYS MY IMPRESSION THAT YOU PEOPLE TOOK CARE OF LAST
RITES!"
THERE
WAS DEAD SILENCE ON THE LINE FOR A LONG MOMENT.
FATHER
O'MALLEY THEN REPLIED: "AYE, TIS CERTAINLY TRUE, BUT WE ARE ALSO OBLIGED
TO NOTIFY THE NEXT OF KIN."
_________________________________________________________________________________
*THE
EUROPEAN COMMISSION HAS JUST ANNOUNCED AN AGREEMENT WHEREBY ENGLISH WILL BE THE
OFFICIAL LANGUAGE OF THE EUROPEAN UNION RATHER
THAN GERMAN, WHICH WAS THE OTHER POSSIBILITY.
AS PART OF THE NEGOTIATIONS, THE BRITISH GOVERNMENT CONCEDED THAT ENGLISH SPELLING HAD SOME ROOM FOR IMPROVEMENT AND HAS ACCEPTED A 5- YEAR PHASE-IN PLAN THAT WOULD BECOME KNOWN AS "EURO-ENGLISH".
IN THE FIRST YEAR, "S" WILL REPLACE THE SOFT "C". SERTAINLY, THIS WILL MAKE THE SIVIL SERVANTS JUMP WITH JOY. THE HARD "C" WILL BE DROPPED IN FAVOUR OF "K". THIS SHOULD KLEAR UP KONFUSION, AND KEYBOARDSKAN
IN THE 3RD YEAR, PUBLIK AKSEPTANSE OF THE NEW SPELLINGKAN
GOVERNMENTS WILL ENKOURAGE THE REMOVAL OF DOUBLE LETTERS WHICH HAVE ALWAYS BEN A DETERENT TO AKURATE SPELING.
ALSO, AL WIL AGRE THAT THE HORIBL MES OF THE SILENT "E" IN THE LANGUAG IS DISGRASFUL AND IT SHOULD GO AWAY.
BY THE 4TH YER PEOPLE WIL BE RESEPTIV TO STEPS SUCH AS REPLASING "TH" WITH "Z" AND "W" WITH "V".
DURING ZE FIFZ YER, ZE UNESESARY "O" KAN BE DROPD FROM VORDS KONTAINING "OU" AND AFTER ZIZ FIFZ YER, VE VIL HAV A REIL SENSI BL RITEN STYL.
ZER VIL BE NO MOR TRUBL OR DIFIKULTIS AND EVRIVUN VIL FIND IT EZI TU UNDERSTAND ECH OZA. ZE DREM OF A UNITED UROP VIL FINALI KUM TRU.
UND EFTER ZE FIFZ YER, VE VILAL
IF ZIS MAD YOU SMIL, PLEAS PAS ON TO OZA PEPL.
AS PART OF THE NEGOTIATIONS, THE BRITISH GOVERNMENT CONCEDED THAT ENGLISH SPELLING HAD SOME ROOM FOR IMPROVEMENT AND HAS ACCEPTED A 5- YEAR PHASE-IN PLAN THAT WOULD BECOME KNOWN AS "EURO-ENGLISH".
IN THE FIRST YEAR, "S" WILL REPLACE THE SOFT "C". SERTAINLY, THIS WILL MAKE THE SIVIL SERVANTS JUMP WITH JOY. THE HARD "C" WILL BE DROPPED IN FAVOUR OF "K". THIS SHOULD KLEAR UP KONFUSION, AND KEYBOARDS
IN THE 3RD YEAR, PUBLIK AKSEPTANSE OF THE NEW SPELLING
GOVERNMENTS WILL ENKOURAGE THE REMOVAL OF DOUBLE LETTERS WHICH HAVE ALWAYS BEN A DETERENT TO AKURATE SPELING.
ALSO, AL WIL AGRE THAT THE HORIBL MES OF THE SILENT "E" IN THE LANGUAG IS DISGRASFUL AND IT SHOULD GO AWAY.
BY THE 4TH YER PEOPLE WIL BE RESEPTIV TO STEPS SUCH AS REPLASING "TH" WITH "Z" AND "W" WITH "V".
DURING ZE FIFZ YER, ZE UNESESARY "O" KAN BE DROPD FROM VORDS KONTAINING "OU" AND AFTER ZIZ FIFZ YER, VE VIL HAV A REIL SENSI BL RITEN STYL.
ZER VIL BE NO MOR TRUBL OR DIFIKULTIS AND EVRIVUN VIL FIND IT EZI TU UNDERSTAND ECH OZA. ZE DREM OF A UNITED UROP VIL FINALI KUM TRU.
UND EFTER ZE FIFZ YER, VE VIL
IF ZIS MAD YOU SMIL, PLEAS PAS ON TO OZA PEPL.
_________________________________________________________________________________
*AN
IRISH FARMER NAMED SEAMUS HAD A CAR ACCIDENT. IN COURT, THE LORRY COMPANY'S
HOT-SHOT SOLICITOR WAS QUESTIONING SEAMUS.
'DIDN'T YOU SAY TO THE POLICE AT THE SCENE OF THE ACCIDENT, “I'M FINE”?' ASKED THE SOLICITOR.
SEAMUS RESPONDED: 'WELL, I'LL TELL YOU WHAT HAPPENED. I HAD JUST LOADED MY FAVORITE COW, BESSIE, INTO THE...'
'I DIDN'T ASK FOR ANY DETAILS', THE SOLICITOR INTERRUPTED. 'JUST ANSWER THE QUESTION. DID YOU NOT SAY, AT THE SCENE OF THE ACCIDENT, 'I'M FINE!'?'
SEAMUS SAID, 'WELL, I HAD JUST GOT BESSIE INTO THE TRAILER AND I WAS DRIVING DOWN THE ROAD....'
THE SOLICITOR INTERRUPTED AGAIN AND SAID, 'YOUR HONOR, I AM TRYING TO ESTABLISH THE FACT THAT, AT THE SCENE OF THE ACCIDENT, THIS MAN TOLD THE POLICE ON THE SCENE THAT HE WAS FINE. NOW SEVERAL WEEKS AFTER THE ACCIDENT, HE IS TRYING TO SUE MY CLIENT. I BELIEVE HE IS A FRAUD. PLEASE TELL HIM TO SIMPLY ANSWER THE QUESTION.'
BY THIS TIME, THE JUDGE WAS FAIRLY INTERESTED IN SEAMUS'S ANSWER AND SAID TO THE SOLICITOR: 'I'D LIKE TO HEAR WHAT HE HAS TO SAY ABOUT HIS FAVORITE COW, BESSIE'.
SEAMUS THANKED THE JUDGE AND PROCEEDED.
'WELL AS I WAS SAYING, I HAD JUST LOADED BESSIE, MY FAVORITE COW, INTO THE TRAILER AND WAS DRIVING HER DOWN THE ROAD WHEN THIS HUGE LORRY AND TRAILER CAME THROUGH A STOP SIGN AND HIT MY TRAILER RIGHT IN THE SIDE. I WAS THROWN INTO ONE DITCH AND BESSIE WAS THROWN INTO THE OTHER. I WAS HURT, VERY BAD LIKE, AND DIDN'T WANT TO MOVE. HOWEVER, I COULD HEAR OLD BESSIE MOANING AND GROANING. I KNEW SHE WAS IN TERRIBLE PAIN JUST BY HER GROANS.
SHORTLY AFTER THE ACCIDENT, A POLICEMAN ON A MOTORBIKE TURNED UP. HE COULD HEAR BESSIE MOANING AND GROANING SO HE WENT OVER TO HER. AFTER HE LOOKED AT HER, AND SAW HER CONDITION, HE TOOK OUT HIS GUN AND SHOT HER BETWEEN THE EYES.
THEN THE POLICEMAN CAME ACROSS THE ROAD, GUN STILL IN HAND, LOOKED AT ME, AND SAID, 'HOW ARE YOU FEELING?'
'NOW, WHAT WOULD YOU HAVE SAID?’
'DIDN'T YOU SAY TO THE POLICE AT THE SCENE OF THE ACCIDENT, “I'M FINE”?' ASKED THE SOLICITOR.
SEAMUS RESPONDED: 'WELL, I'LL TELL YOU WHAT HAPPENED. I HAD JUST LOADED MY FAVORITE COW, BESSIE, INTO THE...'
'I DIDN'T ASK FOR ANY DETAILS', THE SOLICITOR INTERRUPTED. 'JUST ANSWER THE QUESTION. DID YOU NOT SAY, AT THE SCENE OF THE ACCIDENT, 'I'M FINE!'?'
SEAMUS SAID, 'WELL, I HAD JUST GOT BESSIE INTO THE TRAILER AND I WAS DRIVING DOWN THE ROAD....'
THE SOLICITOR INTERRUPTED AGAIN AND SAID, 'YOUR HONOR, I AM TRYING TO ESTABLISH THE FACT THAT, AT THE SCENE OF THE ACCIDENT, THIS MAN TOLD THE POLICE ON THE SCENE THAT HE WAS FINE. NOW SEVERAL WEEKS AFTER THE ACCIDENT, HE IS TRYING TO SUE MY CLIENT. I BELIEVE HE IS A FRAUD. PLEASE TELL HIM TO SIMPLY ANSWER THE QUESTION.'
BY THIS TIME, THE JUDGE WAS FAIRLY INTERESTED IN SEAMUS'S ANSWER AND SAID TO THE SOLICITOR: 'I'D LIKE TO HEAR WHAT HE HAS TO SAY ABOUT HIS FAVORITE COW, BESSIE'.
SEAMUS THANKED THE JUDGE AND PROCEEDED.
'WELL AS I WAS SAYING, I HAD JUST LOADED BESSIE, MY FAVORITE COW, INTO THE TRAILER AND WAS DRIVING HER DOWN THE ROAD WHEN THIS HUGE LORRY AND TRAILER CAME THROUGH A STOP SIGN AND HIT MY TRAILER RIGHT IN THE SIDE. I WAS THROWN INTO ONE DITCH AND BESSIE WAS THROWN INTO THE OTHER. I WAS HURT, VERY BAD LIKE, AND DIDN'T WANT TO MOVE. HOWEVER, I COULD HEAR OLD BESSIE MOANING AND GROANING. I KNEW SHE WAS IN TERRIBLE PAIN JUST BY HER GROANS.
SHORTLY AFTER THE ACCIDENT, A POLICEMAN ON A MOTORBIKE TURNED UP. HE COULD HEAR BESSIE MOANING AND GROANING SO HE WENT OVER TO HER. AFTER HE LOOKED AT HER, AND SAW HER CONDITION, HE TOOK OUT HIS GUN AND SHOT HER BETWEEN THE EYES.
THEN THE POLICEMAN CAME ACROSS THE ROAD, GUN STILL IN HAND, LOOKED AT ME, AND SAID, 'HOW ARE YOU FEELING?'
'NOW, WHAT WOULD YOU HAVE SAID?’
_________________________________________________________________________________
*STANDARD
QUICK RESPONSE SYSTEM
DEAR
PRIME MINISTER MANMOHAN SINGH/ATAL BIHARI VAJPAYEE/NARASIMHA RAO /RAJIV GANDHI,
PAKISTAN STRONGLY CONDEMNS / IS SHOCKED BY / IS PLEASANTLY SURPRISED WITH THE SUCCESS OF OUR "FREEDOM FIGHTERS" IN THE LOSS OF DOZENS / HUNDREDS / THOUSANDS / MILLIONS OF INNOCENT LIVES IN THE BOMB BLASTS / SNIPER ATTACK / HIJACKING / RELIGIOUS RIOTS / OTHER DISASTER THAT OCCURRED IN A BUSY MARKETPLACE / TRAIN / HOUSING COLONY / INDIAN PARLIAMENT BUILDING / AN UPPER-CLASS HOTEL / TEMPLE IN MUMBAI / DELHI / KASHMIR / ASSAM / PUNJAB / GUJARAT / OTHER.
THE PAKISTANI CITIZENS / SOLDIERS / "FREEDOM FIGHTERS" / "FRIENDSHIP AGENTS" / STUDENTS WHO WERE CAUGHT RED-HANDED / FOUND DEAD AT THE SCENE OF THE CRIME / CONVICTED OF THE CRIME ARE ACTUALLY UNDERCOVER INDIAN / AMERICAN / ISRAELI AGENTS. ANY PAKISTANIS PROVEN TO BE GUILTY OF TERRORISM WILL BE REWARDED HANDSOMELY / DEALT WITH SEVERELY / PROMOTED TO LT. COLONEL / GIVEN A NEW INDIAN PASSPORT AND SENT BACK TO INDIA / HANDED OVER TO THE AMERICANS AS PROOF OF OUR COMMITMENT IN THE WAR ON TERROR.
THERE ARE NO PAKISTANI ARMY-FUNDED TRAINING CAMPS / TERRORIST CAMPS / MADRASAAS IN AZADKASHMIR / AFGHANISTAN NEPAL BANGLADESH PAKISTAN
WE HOPE THIS WILL NOT DERAIL THE PEACE PROCESS STARTED WITH THE RECENT INDIA-PAKISTAN CRICKET SERIES /LAHORE MUZAFARABAD- SRINAGAR
ROAD KASHMIR / DEVELOPING BEST-OF-BREED
PLAUSIBLE DENIABILITY DEFENSES.
WE STAND BY / ARE PLOTTING AGAINST OUR INDIAN BRETHREN IN THEIR HOUR / DAYS / YEARS / DECADES OF PAIN.
SIGNED,
PRESIDENT,PAKISTAN
_____________________________________________________________________________________________
PAKISTAN STRONGLY CONDEMNS / IS SHOCKED BY / IS PLEASANTLY SURPRISED WITH THE SUCCESS OF OUR "FREEDOM FIGHTERS" IN THE LOSS OF DOZENS / HUNDREDS / THOUSANDS / MILLIONS OF INNOCENT LIVES IN THE BOMB BLASTS / SNIPER ATTACK / HIJACKING / RELIGIOUS RIOTS / OTHER DISASTER THAT OCCURRED IN A BUSY MARKETPLACE / TRAIN / HOUSING COLONY / INDIAN PARLIAMENT BUILDING / AN UPPER-CLASS HOTEL / TEMPLE IN MUMBAI / DELHI / KASHMIR / ASSAM / PUNJAB / GUJARAT / OTHER.
THE PAKISTANI CITIZENS / SOLDIERS / "FREEDOM FIGHTERS" / "FRIENDSHIP AGENTS" / STUDENTS WHO WERE CAUGHT RED-HANDED / FOUND DEAD AT THE SCENE OF THE CRIME / CONVICTED OF THE CRIME ARE ACTUALLY UNDERCOVER INDIAN / AMERICAN / ISRAELI AGENTS. ANY PAKISTANIS PROVEN TO BE GUILTY OF TERRORISM WILL BE REWARDED HANDSOMELY / DEALT WITH SEVERELY / PROMOTED TO LT. COLONEL / GIVEN A NEW INDIAN PASSPORT AND SENT BACK TO INDIA / HANDED OVER TO THE AMERICANS AS PROOF OF OUR COMMITMENT IN THE WAR ON TERROR.
THERE ARE NO PAKISTANI ARMY-FUNDED TRAINING CAMPS / TERRORIST CAMPS / MADRASAAS IN AZAD
WE HOPE THIS WILL NOT DERAIL THE PEACE PROCESS STARTED WITH THE RECENT INDIA-PAKISTAN CRICKET SERIES /
WE STAND BY / ARE PLOTTING AGAINST OUR INDIAN BRETHREN IN THEIR HOUR / DAYS / YEARS / DECADES OF PAIN.
SIGNED,
PRESIDENT,
_____________________________________________________________________________________________
*A
NEW PRIEST AT HIS FIRST MASS WAS SO NERVOUS HE COULD HARDLY SPEAK. AFTER MASS
HE ASKED THE MONSIGNOR HOW HE HAD DONE. THE MONSIGNOR REPLIED, 'WHEN I AM
WORRIED ABOUT GETTING NERVOUS ON THE PULPIT, I PUT A GLASS OF VODKA NEXT TO THE
WATER GLASS. IF I START TO GET NERVOUS, I TAKE A SIP.'
SO NEXT SUNDAY HE TOOK THE MONSIGNOR'S ADVICE. AT THE BEGINNING OF THE SERMON, HE GOT NERVOUS AND TOOK A DRINK. HE PROCEEDED TO TALK UP A STORM.
SO NEXT SUNDAY HE TOOK THE MONSIGNOR'S ADVICE. AT THE BEGINNING OF THE SERMON, HE GOT NERVOUS AND TOOK A DRINK. HE PROCEEDED TO TALK UP A STORM.
UPON HIS RETURN TO HIS OFFICE AFTER THE MASS, HE FOUND THE FOLLOWING NOTE ON THE DOOR:
1) SIP THE VODKA, DON'T GULP.
2) THERE ARE 10 COMMANDMENTS, NOT 12.
3) THERE ARE 12 DISCIPLES, NOT 10.
4) JESUS WAS CONSECRATED, NOT CONSTIPATED.
5) JACOB WAGERED HIS DONKEY, HE DID NOT BET HIS ASS.
6) WE DO NOT REFER TO JESUS CHRIST AS THE LATE J.C.
7) THE FATHER, SON, AND HOLY GHOST ARE NOT REFERRED TO AS DADDY, JUNIOR AND THE SPOOK.
8) DAVID SLEW GOLIATH; HE DID NOT KICK THE SHIT OUT OF HIM.
9) WHEN DAVID WAS HIT BY A ROCK AND WAS KNOCKED OFF HIS DONKEY, DON'T SAY HE WAS STONED OFF HIS ASS.
10)WE DO NOT REFER TO THE CROSS AS THE 'BIG T.'
11)WHEN JESUS BROKE THE BREAD AT THE LAST SUPPER HE SAID, 'TAKE THIS AND EAT IT FOR IT IS MY BODY.' HE DID NOT SAY 'EAT ME'.
12)THE
RECOMMENDED GRACE BEFORE A MEAL IS NOT: RUB-A-DUB-DUB THANKS FOR THE GRUB, YEAH
GOD.
_________________________________________________________________________________
*AN
ENGLISHMAN IS HAVING BREAKFAST, IN PARIS
FRENCHMAN: 'YOU ENGLISH FOLK EAT THE WHOLE BREAD??'
ENGLISHMAN: 'OF COURSE.'
FRENCHMAN: (AFTER BLOWING A HUGE BUBBLE) 'WE DON'T. INFRANCE ENGLAND
THE ENGLISHMAN LISTENS IN SILENCE.
THE FRENCHMAN PERSISTS: 'DO YOU EAT JAM WITH THE BREAD??'
ENGLISHMAN: 'OF COURSE.'
FRENCHMAN: (CRACKING HIS BUBBLE-GUM BETWEEN HIS TEETH AND CHUCKLING). 'WE DON'T. IN FRANCE WE EAT FRESH FRUIT FOR BREAKFAST, THEN WE PUT ALL THE PEELS, SEEDS, AND LEFTOVERS IN CONTAINERS, RECYCLE THEM, TRANSFORM THEM INTO JAM, AND SELL THE JAM TO ENGLAND.'
AFTER A MOMENT OF SILENCE, THE ENGLISHMAN THEN ASKS: 'DO YOU HAVE SEX INFRANCE
FRENCHMAN: 'WHY OF COURSE WE DO', HE SAYS WITH A BIG SMIRK.
ENGLISHMAN: 'AND WHAT DO YOU DO WITH THE CONDOMS ONCE YOU'VE USED THEM?'
FRENCHMAN: 'WE THROW THEM AWAY, OF COURSE.'
ENGLISHMAN: 'WE DON'T. INENGLAND FRANCE
FRENCHMAN: 'YOU ENGLISH FOLK EAT THE WHOLE BREAD??'
ENGLISHMAN: 'OF COURSE.'
FRENCHMAN: (AFTER BLOWING A HUGE BUBBLE) 'WE DON'T. IN
THE ENGLISHMAN LISTENS IN SILENCE.
THE FRENCHMAN PERSISTS: 'DO YOU EAT JAM WITH THE BREAD??'
ENGLISHMAN: 'OF COURSE.'
FRENCHMAN: (CRACKING HIS BUBBLE-GUM BETWEEN HIS TEETH AND CHUCKLING). 'WE DON'T. IN FRANCE WE EAT FRESH FRUIT FOR BREAKFAST, THEN WE PUT ALL THE PEELS, SEEDS, AND LEFTOVERS IN CONTAINERS, RECYCLE THEM, TRANSFORM THEM INTO JAM, AND SELL THE JAM TO ENGLAND.'
AFTER A MOMENT OF SILENCE, THE ENGLISHMAN THEN ASKS: 'DO YOU HAVE SEX IN
FRENCHMAN: 'WHY OF COURSE WE DO', HE SAYS WITH A BIG SMIRK.
ENGLISHMAN: 'AND WHAT DO YOU DO WITH THE CONDOMS ONCE YOU'VE USED THEM?'
FRENCHMAN: 'WE THROW THEM AWAY, OF COURSE.'
ENGLISHMAN: 'WE DON'T. IN
_________________________________________________________________________________
*WHEN
I COME FROM OFFICE IN THE EVENING, WIFE IS COOKING
I CAN HEAR THE NOISE OF UTENSILS IN THE KITCHEN
I STEALTHILY ENTER THE HOUSE
TAKE OUT THE BOTTLE FROM MY BLACK CUPBOARD
SHIVAJI MAHARAJ IS LOOKING AT ME FROM THE PHOTO FRAME
BUT STILL NO ONE IS AWARE OF IT
BECOZ I NEVER TAKE A RISK
I TAKE OUT THE GLASS FROM THE RACK ABOVE THE OLD SINK
QUICKLY ENJOY ONE PEG
WASH THE GLASS AND AGAIN KEEP IT ON THE RACK
OF COURSE I ALSO KEEP THE BOTTLE INSIDE MY CUPBOARD
SHIVAJI MAHARAJ IS GIVING A SMILE
I PEEP INTO THE KITCHEN
WIFE IS CUTTING POTATOES
NO ONE IS AWARE OF WHAT I DID
BECOZ I NEVER TAKE A RISK
I TO MY WIFE : ANY NEWS ON CHOPRA'S DAUGHTER'S MARRIAGE
WIFE : NOPE, SHE DOESN'T SEEM TO BE THAT LUCKY. STILL THEY ARE LOOKING OUT FOR HER
I AGAIN COME OUT; THERE IS A SMALL NOISE OF THE BLACK CUPBOARD
BUT I DON'T MAKE ANY SOUND WHILE TAKING OUT THE BOTTLE
I TAKE OUT THE GLASS FROM THE OLD RACK ABOVE SINK
QUICKLY ENJOY ONE PEG
WASH THE BOTTLE AND KEEP IT IN THE SINK
ALSO KEEP THE BLACK GLASS IN THE CUPBOARD
BUT STILL NO ONE IS AWARE OF WHAT I DID
BECOZ I NEVER TAKE A RISK
I TO WIFE : BUT STILL I THINK CHOPRA'S DAUGHTER'S AGE IS NOT THAT MUCH
WIFE: WHAT ARE YOU SAYING? SHE IS 28 YRS OLD... LIKE AN AGED HORSE
I: (I FORGOT HER AGE IS 28) OH OH...
I AGAIN TAKE OUT POTATOES OUT FROM MY BLACK CUPBOARD
BUT THE CUPBOARD'S PLACE HAS AUTOMATICALLY CHANGED
I TAKE OUT THE BOTTLE FROM THE RACK AND QUICKLY ENJOY ONE PEG IN THE SINK
SHIVAJI MAHARAJ LAUGHS LOUDLY
I KEEP THE RACK IN THE POTATOES & WASH SHIVAJI MAHARAJ'S PHOTO & KEEP IT IN THE BLACK CUPBOARD
WIFE IS KEEPING THE SINK ON THE STOVE
BUT STILL NO ONE IS AWARE OF WHAT I DID
BECOZ I NEVER TAKE A RISK
I TO WIFE: (GETTING ANGRY) YOU CALL MR. CHOPRA A HORSE? IF YOU SAY THAT AGAIN, I WILL CUT YOUR TONGUE...!
WIFE: DON'T JUST BLABBER SOMETHING, GO OUT AND SIT QUIETLY...
I TAKE OUT THE BOTTLE FROM THE POTATOES
GO IN THE BLACK CUPBOARD AND ENJOY A PEG
WASH THE SINK AND KEEP IT OVER THE RACK
WIFE IS GIVING A SMILE
SHIVAJI MAHARAJ IS STILL COOKING
BUT STILL NO ONE IS AWARE OF WHAT I DID
BECOZ I NEVER TAKE A RISK
I TO WIFE: (LAUGHING) SO CHOPRA IS MARRYING A HORSE!!
WIFE: HEY GO AND SPRINKLE SOME WATER ON YOUR FACE...
I AGAIN GO TO THE KITCHEN, AND QUIETLY SIT ON THE RACK
STOVE IS ALSO ON THE RACK
THERE IS A SMALL NOISE OF BOTTLES FROM THE ROOM OUTSIDE
I PEEP AND SEE THAT WIFE IS ENJOYING A PEG IN THE SINK
BUT NONE OF THE HORSES ARE AWARE OF WHAT I DID
BECOZ SHIVAJI MAHARAJ NEVER TAKES A RISK
CHOPRA IS STILL COOKING
AND I AM LOOKING AT MY WIFE FROM THE PHOTO AND LAUGHING
BECOZ I NEVER TAKE...... NEVER TAKE..... NEVER TAKE WHAT???
I CAN HEAR THE NOISE OF UTENSILS IN THE KITCHEN
I STEALTHILY ENTER THE HOUSE
TAKE OUT THE BOTTLE FROM MY BLACK CUPBOARD
SHIVAJI MAHARAJ IS LOOKING AT ME FROM THE PHOTO FRAME
BUT STILL NO ONE IS AWARE OF IT
BECOZ I NEVER TAKE A RISK
I TAKE OUT THE GLASS FROM THE RACK ABOVE THE OLD SINK
QUICKLY ENJOY ONE PEG
WASH THE GLASS AND AGAIN KEEP IT ON THE RACK
OF COURSE I ALSO KEEP THE BOTTLE INSIDE MY CUPBOARD
SHIVAJI MAHARAJ IS GIVING A SMILE
I PEEP INTO THE KITCHEN
WIFE IS CUTTING POTATOES
NO ONE IS AWARE OF WHAT I DID
BECOZ I NEVER TAKE A RISK
I TO MY WIFE : ANY NEWS ON CHOPRA'S DAUGHTER'S MARRIAGE
WIFE : NOPE, SHE DOESN'T SEEM TO BE THAT LUCKY. STILL THEY ARE LOOKING OUT FOR HER
I AGAIN COME OUT; THERE IS A SMALL NOISE OF THE BLACK CUPBOARD
BUT I DON'T MAKE ANY SOUND WHILE TAKING OUT THE BOTTLE
I TAKE OUT THE GLASS FROM THE OLD RACK ABOVE SINK
QUICKLY ENJOY ONE PEG
WASH THE BOTTLE AND KEEP IT IN THE SINK
ALSO KEEP THE BLACK GLASS IN THE CUPBOARD
BUT STILL NO ONE IS AWARE OF WHAT I DID
BECOZ I NEVER TAKE A RISK
I TO WIFE : BUT STILL I THINK CHOPRA'S DAUGHTER'S AGE IS NOT THAT MUCH
WIFE: WHAT ARE YOU SAYING? SHE IS 28 YRS OLD... LIKE AN AGED HORSE
I: (I FORGOT HER AGE IS 28) OH OH...
I AGAIN TAKE OUT POTATOES OUT FROM MY BLACK CUPBOARD
BUT THE CUPBOARD'S PLACE HAS AUTOMATICALLY CHANGED
I TAKE OUT THE BOTTLE FROM THE RACK AND QUICKLY ENJOY ONE PEG IN THE SINK
SHIVAJI MAHARAJ LAUGHS LOUDLY
I KEEP THE RACK IN THE POTATOES & WASH SHIVAJI MAHARAJ'S PHOTO & KEEP IT IN THE BLACK CUPBOARD
WIFE IS KEEPING THE SINK ON THE STOVE
BUT STILL NO ONE IS AWARE OF WHAT I DID
BECOZ I NEVER TAKE A RISK
I TO WIFE: (GETTING ANGRY) YOU CALL MR. CHOPRA A HORSE? IF YOU SAY THAT AGAIN, I WILL CUT YOUR TONGUE...!
WIFE: DON'T JUST BLABBER SOMETHING, GO OUT AND SIT QUIETLY...
I TAKE OUT THE BOTTLE FROM THE POTATOES
GO IN THE BLACK CUPBOARD AND ENJOY A PEG
WASH THE SINK AND KEEP IT OVER THE RACK
WIFE IS GIVING A SMILE
SHIVAJI MAHARAJ IS STILL COOKING
BUT STILL NO ONE IS AWARE OF WHAT I DID
BECOZ I NEVER TAKE A RISK
I TO WIFE: (LAUGHING) SO CHOPRA IS MARRYING A HORSE!!
WIFE: HEY GO AND SPRINKLE SOME WATER ON YOUR FACE...
I AGAIN GO TO THE KITCHEN, AND QUIETLY SIT ON THE RACK
STOVE IS ALSO ON THE RACK
THERE IS A SMALL NOISE OF BOTTLES FROM THE ROOM OUTSIDE
I PEEP AND SEE THAT WIFE IS ENJOYING A PEG IN THE SINK
BUT NONE OF THE HORSES ARE AWARE OF WHAT I DID
BECOZ SHIVAJI MAHARAJ NEVER TAKES A RISK
CHOPRA IS STILL COOKING
AND I AM LOOKING AT MY WIFE FROM THE PHOTO AND LAUGHING
BECOZ I NEVER TAKE...... NEVER TAKE..... NEVER TAKE WHAT???
_________________________________________________________________________________
*A
KEEN IMMIGRANT INDIAN SINDHI HAD APPLIED FOR A SALESMAN'S JOB AT LONDON
'HAVE YOU EVER BEEN A SALESMAN BEFORE?' 'YES SIR, I WAS A SALESMAN IN KOLKATA ININDIA
THE DAY WAS LONG AND ARDUOUS FOR THE YOUNG MAN, BUT HE GOT THROUGH IT. AND FINALLY6:00 PM CAME
AROUND. THE BOSS DULY FRONTED UP AND ASKED,
'HOW MANY SALES DID YOU MAKE TODAY?'
'SIR, JUST ONESALE
'HAVE YOU EVER BEEN A SALESMAN BEFORE?' 'YES SIR, I WAS A SALESMAN IN KOLKATA IN
THE DAY WAS LONG AND ARDUOUS FOR THE YOUNG MAN, BUT HE GOT THROUGH IT. AND FINALLY
'HOW MANY SALES DID YOU MAKE TODAY?'
'SIR, JUST ONE
'ONLY
ONE SALE SALE SALE
'THREE HUNDRED THOUSAND, THREE HUNDRED AND THIRTY FOUR POUNDS' SAID THE YOUNG SINDHI.
'HOW DID YOU MANAGE THAT' ASKED THE FLABBERGASTED BOSS.
'THREE HUNDRED THOUSAND, THREE HUNDRED AND THIRTY FOUR POUNDS' SAID THE YOUNG SINDHI.
'HOW DID YOU MANAGE THAT' ASKED THE FLABBERGASTED BOSS.
'WELL',
SAID THE SALESMAN 'THIS MAN CAME IN AND I SOLD HIM A SMALL FISH HOOK, THEN A
MEDIUM HOOK AND FINALLY A REALLY LARGE HOOK. THEN I SELL HIM NEW FISHING ROD
AND SOME FISHING GEAR. THEN I ASKED HIM WHERE HE WAS GOING FISHING AND HE SAID
DOWN THE COAST. SO I TOLD HIM HE'D BE NEEDING A BOAT, SO I TOOK HIM DOWN TO THE
BOAT DEPARTMENT AND SOLD HIM THAT TWENTY-FOOT SCHOONER WITH THE TWIN
ENGINES. THEN HE SAID HIS VOLKSWAGEN PROBABLY WOULDN'T BE ABLE TO PULL IT, SO I
TOOK HIM TO OUR AUTOMOTIVE DEPARTMENT AND SELL HIM THAT NEW DELUXE SUV 4X4
BLAZER. I THEN ASKED HIM WHERE HE'LL BE STAYING, AN SINCE HE HAD NO
ACCOMMODATION, I TOOK HIM TO CAMPING DEPARTMENT AND SELL HIM ONE OF THOSE NEW
IGLOO 6 SLEEPER CAMPER TENTS. THEN THE GUY SAID, WHILE WE'RE AT IT, I SHOULD
THROW IN ABOUT 100 POUND STERLING WORTH OF GROCERIES AND TWO CASES OF BEER.
THE BOSS TOOK TWO STEPS BACK AND ASKED IN ASTONISHMENT, 'YOU SOLD ALL THAT TO A GUY WHO CAME IN FOR A FISH HOOK!!'
'NO' ANSWERED THE SALESMAN, 'HE CAME IN TO BUY A BOX OF SANITARY NAPKINS FOR HIS WIFE AND I SAID TO HIM, “YOUR WEEKEND'S SCREWED ANYWAY, YOU MIGHT AS WELL GO FISHING”’
THE BOSS TOOK TWO STEPS BACK AND ASKED IN ASTONISHMENT, 'YOU SOLD ALL THAT TO A GUY WHO CAME IN FOR A FISH HOOK!!'
'NO' ANSWERED THE SALESMAN, 'HE CAME IN TO BUY A BOX OF SANITARY NAPKINS FOR HIS WIFE AND I SAID TO HIM, “YOUR WEEKEND'S SCREWED ANYWAY, YOU MIGHT AS WELL GO FISHING”’
_________________________________________________________________________________
*A STRANGER WAS SEATED NEXT TO A LITTLE GIRL ON THE AIRPLANE WHEN THE
STRANGER TURNED TO HER AND SAID, 'LET'S TALK. I'VE HEARD THAT FLIGHTS GO
QUICKER IF YOU STRIKE UP A CONVERSATION WITH YOUR FELLOW PASSENGER.'
THE LITTLE GIRL, WHO HAD JUST OPENED HER BOOK, CLOSED IT SLOWLY AND SAID
TO THE STRANGER, 'WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO TALK ABOUT?'
'OH, I DON'T KNOW,' SAID THE STRANGER. 'HOW ABOUT NUCLEAR POWER' AND
HE SMILES.
'OK, ' SHE SAID. 'THAT COULD BE AN INTERESTING TOPIC. BUT LET ME ASK YOU A
QUESTION FIRST. A HORSE, A COW, AND A DEER ALL EAT THE SAME STUFF - GRASS. YET A DEER EXCRETES LITTLE PELLETS, WHILE A COW TURNS OUT A FLAT PATTY AND A HORSE PRODUCES CLUMPS OF DRIED GRASS. WHY DO YOU SUPPOSE THAT IS?'
THE STRANGER, VISIBLY SURPRISED BY THE LITTLE GIRL'S INTELLIGENCE, THINKS ABOUT IT AND SAYS, 'HMMM, I HAVE NO IDEA.'
TO WHICH THE LITTLE GIRL REPLIES, 'DO YOU REALLY FEEL QUALIFIED TO DISCUSS NUCLEAR POWER, WHEN YOU DON'T KNOW SHIT?
________________________________________________________________________
*TWO JEWISH MEN, SID AND AL, WERE SITTING IN A INDIAN RESTAURANT IN NEW YORK AL INDIA AL AL AL INDIA AL
________________________________________________________________________
*APPUKUTTAN WALKS INTO A RESTAURANT IN ABU DHABI SAAR . HOW DO YOU MANAGE TO ALWAYS COME UP WITH THE EXACT CHANGE OUT OF YOUR POCKET EVERY TIME?'
'WELL,' SAYS APPUKUTTAN, 'SEVERAL YEARS AGO I WAS CLEANING THE 'THATUMBARRA' [ATTIC] AND I FOUND AN OLD 'VELLAKE' [LAMP] . WHEN I RUBBED IT A YAKSHI APPEARED AND OFFERED ME TWO WISHES. MY FIRST WISH WAS THAT IF I EVER HAD TO PAY FOR ANYTHING, JUST PUT MY HAND IN MY POCKET, AND THE RIGHT AMOUNT OF MONEY WOULD ALWAYS BE THERE.'
'OOGRAN'! [GREAT], SAYS THE WAITER. 'MOST PEOPLE WOULD WISH FOR A MILLION RUPEES OR SOMETHING, BUT YOU'LL ALWAYS BE AS RICH AS YOU WANT FOR AS LONG AS YOU LIVE!'
'THAT'S RIGHT! WHETHER IT IS A GALLON OF MILK, A BENZ CAR OR A ROLLS ROYCE, THE EXACT MONEY IS ALWAYS THERE,' SAYS APPUKUTTAN.
THE WAITER ASKS, 'ONE OTHER THING, SIR, NINGAL ENDENA EE OTTAKATHINEM KONDU NADAKUNNATHE?'' [WHY ARE YOU ALWAYS ACCOMPANIED BY THIS CAMEL].
APPUKUTTAN SIGHS AND ANSWERS, 'MY SECOND WISH WAS FOR A TALL FEMALE WITH LONG LEGS, FULL LIPS, LARGE EYES WITH LONG EYELASHES WHO AGREES WITH EVERYTHING I SAY........'
THERE IS ALWAYS A CATCH WHEN YOU GET YOUR PRAYERS ANSWERED!
________________________________________________________________________
*THE AUSTRALIAN
POETRY COMPETITION HAD COME DOWN TO TWO FINALISTS, A UNIVERSITY GRADUATE AND AN
OLD ABORIGINAL. THEY WERE GIVEN A WORD, THEN ALLOWED TWO MINUTES TO STUDY THE
WORD AND COME UP WITH A POEM THAT CONTAINED THE WORD. THE WORD THEY WERE GIVEN
WAS ' FIRST TO RECITE HIS POEM WAS THE UNIVERSITY GRADUATE. HE STEPPED UP TO THE MICROPHONE AND SAID:
SLOWLY ACROSS THE DESERT SAND
TREKKED A LONELY CARAVAN
MEN ON CAMELS TWO BY TWO
DESTINATION -
THE CROWD WENT CRAZY! NO WAY COULD THE OLD ABORIGINAL TOP THAT, THEY THOUGHT. THE OLD ABORIGINAL CALMLY MADE HIS WAY TO THE MICROPHONE AND RECITED:
ME AND TIM A HUNTIN' WENT
MET THREE WHORES IN A POP UP TENT
THEY WERE THREE, AND WE WAS TWO
SO I BUCKED ONE, AND TIMBUKTU.
_____________________________________________________________________________________________
*THREE PRIESTS WERE IN A TRAIN STATION ON THEIR WAY HOME TO
BEHIND
THE TICKET COUNTER WAS A VERY VERY SHAPELY, WELL
ENDOWED GIRL WEARING A VERY TIGHT SWEATER!
THE
GIRL MADE THE THREE PRIESTS VERY NERVOUS, SO THEY DREW STRAWS TO DETERMINE WHO
WOULD PURCHASE THE TICKETS.
THE FIRST PRIEST APPROACHED THE WINDOW.
'YOUNG LADY, I WOULD LIKE THREE PICKETS TO TITSBURG.'
HE COMPLETELY LOST HIS COMPOSURE AND FLED!
THE SECOND PRIEST GOES TO THE WINDOW.
'YOUNG LADY, I WOULD LIKE THREE TICKETS TO
MORTIFIED, HE TOO FLED!
THE THIRD PRIEST MOVES TO THE WINDOW.
'YOUNG LADY, I WOULD LIKE THREE TICKETS TO
_____________________________________________________________________________________________
*A LITTLE BOY GOT ON THE BUS, SAT NEXT TO A MAN READING A BOOK, AND NOTICED HE HAD HIS COLLAR ON BACKWARDS.
THE LITTLE BOY ASKED WHY HE WORE HIS COLLAR BACKWARDS.
THE MAN, WHO WAS A PRIEST, SAID,'I AM A FATHER.'
THE LITTLE BOY REPLIED, 'MY DAD DOESN'T WEAR HIS COLLAR LIKE THAT.'
THE PRIEST LOOKED UP FROM HIS BOOK AND ANSWERED, 'I AM THE FATHER OF MANY.'
THE BOY SAID, 'MY DAD HAS 4 BOYS, FOUR GIRLS AND TWO GRANDCHILDREN AND HE DOESN'T WEAR HIS COLLAR THAT WAY.'
THE PRIEST, GETTING IMPATIENT, SAID,
'I AM THE FATHER OF HUNDREDS,' AND WENT BACK TO READING HIS BOOK.
THE LITTLE BOY SAT QUIETLY THINKING FOR A WHILE THEN LEANED OVER AND SAID,'MAYBE YOU SHOULD USE A CONDOM AND WEAR YOUR PANTS BACKWARDS INSTEAD OF YOUR COLLAR.'
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*A LADY CANADIAN LIBERTARIAN WROTE A
NATIONAL DEFENCE HEADQUARTERS
MGEN GEORGE R. PEARKES BLDG, 15 NT
101 COLONEL BY DRIVE
OTTAWA , ON K1A 0K2 CANADA
DEAR CONCERNED CITIZEN,
THANK YOU FOR YOUR RECENT LETTER EXPRESSING YOUR PROFOUND CONCERN OF TREATMENT OF THE TALIBAN AND AL QAEDA TERRORISTS CAPTURED BY CANADIAN FORCES WHO WERE SUBSEQUENTLY TRANSFERRED TO THE AFGHANISTAN GOVERNMENT AND ARE CURRENTLY BEING HELD BY AFGHAN OFFICIALS IN AFGHANISTAN NATIONAL CORRECTIONAL SYSTEM FACILITIES.
OUR ADMINISTRATION TAKES THESE MATTERS SERIOUSLY AND YOUR OPINIONS WERE HEARD LOUD AND CLEAR HERE IN
IN ACCORDANCE WITH THE GUIDELINES OF THIS NEW PROGRAM, WE HAVE DECIDED TO DIVERT ONE TERRORIST AND PLACE HIM IN YOUR PERSONAL CARE. YOUR PERSONAL DETAINEE HAS BEEN SELECTED AND IS SCHEDULED FOR TRANSPORTATION UNDER HEAVILY ARMED GUARD TO YOUR RESIDENCE IN
ALTHOUGH AHMED IS A SOCIOPATH AND EXTREMELY VIOLENT, WE HOPE THAT YOUR SENSITIVITY TO WHAT YOU DESCRIBED AS HIS 'ATTITUDINAL PROBLEM' WILL HELP HIM OVERCOME THESE CHARACTER FLAWS. PERHAPS YOU ARE CORRECT IN DESCRIBING THESE PROBLEMS AS MERE CULTURAL DIFFERENCES. WE UNDERSTAND THAT YOU PLAN TO OFFER COUNSELING AND HOME SCHOOLING.
YOUR ADOPTED TERRORIST IS EXTREMELY PROFICIENT IN HAND-TO-HAND COMBAT AND CAN EXTINGUISH HUMAN LIFE WITH SUCH SIMPLE ITEMS AS A PENCIL OR NAIL CLIPPERS. WE ADVISE THAT YOU DO NOT ASK HIM TO DEMONSTRATE THESE SKILLS AT YOUR NEXT YOGA GROUP. HE IS ALSO EXPERT AT MAKING A WIDE VARIETY OF EXPLOSIVE DEVICES FROM COMMON HOUSEHOLD PRODUCTS, SO YOU MAY WISH TO KEEP THOSE ITEMS LOCKED UP, UNLESS (IN YOUR OPINION) THIS MIGHT OFFEND HIM.
AHMED WILL NOT WISH TO INTERACT WITH YOU OR YOUR DAUGHTERS (EXCEPT SEXUALLY) SINCE HE VIEWS FEMALES AS A SUBHUMAN FORM OF PROPERTY. THIS IS A PARTICULARLY SENSITIVE SUBJECT FOR HIM AND HE HAS BEEN KNOWN TO SHOW VIOLENT TENDENCIES AROUND WOMEN WHO FAIL TO COMPLY WITH THE NEW DRESS CODE THAT HE WILL RECOMMEND AS MORE APPROPRIATE ATTIRE. I'M SURE YOU WILL COME TO ENJOY THE ANONYMITY OFFERED BY THE BURKA OVER TIME. JUST REMEMBER THAT IT IS ALL PART OF 'RESPECTING HIS CULTURE AND RELIGIOUS BELIEFS' AS DESCRIBED IN YOUR LETTER.
THANKS AGAIN FOR YOUR CONCERN. WE TRULY APPRECIATE IT WHEN FOLKS LIKE YOU KEEP US INFORMED OF THE PROPER WAY TO DO OUR JOB AND CARE FOR OUR FELLOW MAN. YOU TAKE GOOD CARE OF AHMED AND REMEMBER, WE'LL BE WATCHING. GOOD LUCK AND GOD BLESS YOU.
CORDIALLY,
GORDON O'CONNOR
MINISTER OF NATIONAL DEFENSE
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*A PRIEST DIES & IS AWAITING HIS TURN IN LINE AT THE HEAVEN'S GATES.AHEAD OF HIM IS A GUY, FASHIONABLY DRESSED, IN DARK SUN GLASSES, A LOUD SHIRT, LEATHER JACKET & JEANS.
GOD ASKS HIM: PLEASE TELL ME WHO ARE YOU, SO THAT I MAY KNOW WHETHER TO ADMIT YOU INTO THE
THE GUY REPLIES: I AM PANDI, AUTO DRIVER FROM CHENNAI! GOD CONSULTS HIS LEDGER, SMILES & SAYS TO PANDI: PLEASE TAKE THIS SILKEN ROBE & GOLD SCARF & ENTER THE
NOW IT IS THE PRIEST'S TURN. HE STANDS ERECT AND SPEAKS OUT IN A BOOMING VOICE: I AM POPE'S ASSISTANT SO & SO, HEAD PRIEST OF THE
GOD CONSULTS HIS LEDGER & SAYS TO THE PRIEST: PLEASE TAKE THIS COTTON ROBE & ENTER THE
'WHILE YOU PREACHED, PEOPLE SLEPT; BUT WHEN HE DROVE HIS AUTO, PEOPLE PRAYED'
"IT'S PERFORMANCE & NOT POSITION THAT ULTIMATELY COUNTS."
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