EMWATI’S SANDALS CREATE A SCANDAL
Emwati sends her personal (read government) jet from Lucknow to Mumbai to fetch a pair of sandals for her not so dainty feet and it becomes global news thanks to one Mr. Julian Ass Ange. A lot of bickering and back biting later, Julian sends Emwati an invitation to send her personal jet to London, where he is out on bail, so that he may buy her some better sandals. Emwati did not like this infra dig at her and called up Julian over a hot line hurriedly rigged up for her by BSNL. The following is the conversation as noted by her personal secretary (of Secretary rank).
NB: All utterances of Emwati are in a dialect of Hindi spoken by the charwomen (jaaduwali) of UP.
Em: Julian you ass, what are you up to in London? How did you get out of jail?
J: Hi, Em, long times no see. Hear you have been f---ing up with your official jet?
Em: I have read the press reports and I have got a red hot iron to shove up your backside!
J: Serves you right for misusing government property, like building a stupid looking park and those ugly statues of yours alongside those majestic statues of elephants! And for everybody’s sake, when are getting out of those ghastly pink and yellow outfits of yours? You must go to Rohit Bal for a complete wardrobe make-over. Also, why don’t you call over Sabira Merchant to teach you how to speak English, improve your dress sense and manners? While you are at it, call in Bipasha Basu to tell you how to look attractive!!! All the effort could well result in RG collaborating with you!!!
Em: How does it bother you, you leech? What is your interest in UP?
J: Well, to speak the truth nothing, but, RG donated $2 billion to my wicked leaking fund to put you on the mat. God knows why he wants to do that, he can get dozens of better looking women any time he wants. Do you know whenever he comes to London, he always has to have the best and I tell Berlo and Carla to arrange some. But it is getting to be a bother.
Em: That BC MC!!! And over here, whenever he is on tour of his constituency he puts on an act of being the boy next door. My foot! A 40+ year old boy! Ha, ha!
J: Well I suppose he does adore your chair as do others like Gadhdokari!
Em: That gadhdo…
J: OK, I got to go to the PS; it is time for my thrice daily report.
Em: Oh well, as you suggested, I am sending my jet to London!
J: Right, you have a choice of excellent sandals and chappals at Harrods and Selfridges as well as Boots. A number of outlets are also there in Soho, West End, Piccadilly and East End. Have a look at all the on-line catalogues and let me know what you want…
Em: Goody, drop that East End junk. I have already seen all the catalogues on-line and I could not find even one site in Hindi. But, here is a description…
J: Yeah, but what brand?
Em: I prefer Gucci, Prada, Fendi or Lanvin or Mochi!
J: For a charwoman, you are quite well informed, but, what is this brand Mochi?
Em: You gave me the offer, so you find out. The jet will be in Heathrow’s by 1400 local time tomorrow and you better not miss. I have told the pilot to take off before the customs get to him. So you will have to show that smart thinking of yours and get my sandals on to the jet on arrival.
J: That is fine by me, but how many pairs?
Em: Duh, say a dozen pairs from each brand!
Julian Ass Ange faints at the other end of the line.
Tongue in Cheek by Kali
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